MEDITATIO III. Deploratio male amissae virginitatis.
Awakening to the Horror of Sin
The penitent soul is roused to confront the enormity of its fall from baptismal purity and virginity espoused to Christ, now lost.
My soul, my sorrowful soul — yes, I say it — wretched soul of a wretched little creature, shake off your numbness, cast out your sin, and rouse your mind; bring back to your heart the enormity of your crime, and from your heart let loose a monstrous cry. Consider, unhappy one — consider the horror of your crime, and stretch forth the dreadful terror, and the terrifying grief. You — yes, you — who were once made white in the heavenly bath, endowed with the Holy Spirit, sworn in your Christian profession, a virgin betrothed to Christ. Oh, from what heights I remember falling! Oh, the one I once called my own! Surely no longer the gentle bridegroom of my virginity, but now the terrible judge of my uncleanness. Alas, the memory of lost delight! Why do you so heap up the weight of the misery that now possesses me?
The Double Torment of a Fallen Conscience
The wretched sinner suffers the twin torments of a guilty conscience fearing damnation and a good conscience mourning irrecoverable loss.
What a wretched lot is the shameful person's — for whom blessing and curse alike become torment. For a bad conscience torments me, and the torture of it — the torment I fear I'll burn in; and a good conscience torments me, and the memory of its rewards, which I know I've lost and will never recover. Alas — to lose the wretched! It must be grieved: to lose irrecoverably what ought to be kept forever. Alas — to lose what is beyond consolation: a loss that is not only ruinous in what it costs you of good, but all too gainful in what it earns you of torment!
Virginity Lost, Fornication Found
The soul laments the fall from virginity into fornication, acknowledging that the loss itself and the sin committed are both justly punished.
O virginity, once my beloved, now my ruin; once my joy, now my despair — how far have you fallen? Into what foul, bitter mire have you abandoned me?1 O fornication, defiler of my mind, destroyer of my soul — how did you creep in on this wretched man, and from what bright, joyful state did you cast me down?23 Here is what burns me, O bitter grief — because what was mine is lost. Here is what torments me, O heavy pain, and fear of something still heavier — because that sin has been committed.45 Here is loss beyond consoling, torment beyond enduring. Woe on this side, and woe on that. So alike are the good and the evil — and so, even now, you justly punish this wretched sinner still living in his wickedness.67 Justly — yes, justly indeed.
Faithless Bride of Christ
The soul confesses itself an adulterous bride who willingly rejected the heavenly King for the hellish destroyer, making a wretched exchange.
You then, my soul — faithless to God, perjured against God, an adulteress against Christ — have willingly sunk from the heights of virginity into the pit of fornication. You — you who were once betrothed to the King of heaven — have ardently made yourself a harlot of the torturer of hell. Alas — cast off by God, thrown to the devil; no, more than that: casting God away yourself, and embracing the devil. For you — you, my wretched soul, a stubborn whore, a shameless adulteress — you were the first to offer rejection to the Lover and Creator, your God, and of your own accord you betook yourself to the plotter and destroyer, your demon.✦ O most wretched exchange!
The Depth of the Fall
Exclamations of woe mark the soul's recognition of how far it has fallen, from heaven's beloved to hell's brothel, by a deliberate perverse will.
Alas! From how great a height you have fallen, into how deep a pit you have plunged! Woe! How kind a one you have scorned, how wicked a one you have joined yourself to! What have you done, O madness of the mind, senseless filth, foul worthlessness — what have you done? In heaven you abandoned your chaste beloved, and into hell you followed your hateful corrupter, and in the abyss you prepared not a bridal chamber but a brothel for yourself. A dreadful horror — how perverse a will! A horrible wonder — how deliberate a perversity!
Plunging into Grief
The penitent asks where satisfaction can be made, then commands itself to plunge into grief proportionate to the wickedness willingly embraced.
Where, O God, can I find the correction for such depravity? Where, O God, can I make satisfaction for so great a crime? Plunge, wretched little one, into the dark and bottomless depths of immeasurable grief — you who willingly hurled yourself into the pit of horrifying wickedness. Be overwhelmed, O unhappy one, by grief as terrible as the fall — you who willingly collapsed into the mire of hellish stench. Be wrapped, O criminally fallen one, in the dreadful darkness of inconsolable mourning — you who willingly plunged into the chasm of such squalid excess. Wallow in the whirlpool of bitterness — you who took delight in the mire of shame.
Invocation of Torment and Refusal of False Comfort
Horror, grief, and inconsolable mourning are summoned to overwhelm the penitent, who refuses all comfort until pardon is granted.
Horror, terrible grief, inconsolable mourning — gather over me, rush in, overwhelm me, throw me into confusion, cover me over, take possession of me. It is just, it is just. With shameless boldness I scorned you, and with foul delight I provoked you — no, not you, but God — and now in wretched repentance I long for you. Torment the guilty one, avenge God. Let the fornicator perceive beforehand the torments of the underworld that he deserved, let him taste beforehand what he has prepared for himself, let him grow accustomed to what he is about to suffer. Stretch out and bring forth, immoderate sinner, a grief-filled repentance — you who carried the filth of your crime so far. Roll back, roll back into the same whirlwind of bitterness — you who have so often been swept into the same abyss of lust. Consolation, security, joy — I do not want you, I refuse you, unless the pardon of sin has brought you back.
The Vow of Lifelong Penitence
The penitent vows that bitter grief should accompany every stage of life, finding in weeping what prayer's shame denies.
Stay far away, stay far away — before death, if perhaps mercy may call you back to me, or after death. Let bitter penitence be the constant companion of my life; let insatiable grief be the relentless tormentor of my days; let sorrow and harsh mourning be the tireless afflicters of my youth and my old age. Would that it were so — would that it were so! I long for it, I pray for it, I yearn that it may be so. If I am not worthy to lift my eyes to heaven by praying, surely I am not unworthy to blind them by weeping. If my mind is confused from praying by the shame of conscience, it is only right that it be overwhelmed by a whirlwind of grievous sorrow and sadness. If it fears to be brought before the sight of its God, it is just that it should face before its own eyes the torments of its sin.
Descent into Hell's Torments
The mind is sent down to behold the horrors of hell: disorder, wailing, grinding of teeth, sulfurous fire, and rolling darkness.
Let my heart consider, and consider again, what it has done and what it has deserved. Let my mind descend — let me say it, let it descend — to the dark land shrouded in the gloom of death, and let it consider what awaits my wicked soul there; let it look closely and gaze upon those things, let it see and be shaken.8 What is it, O God — what is this that I see in the land of misery and of darkness? Horror, horror. What is this that I behold, where there is no order, but only everlasting horror dwelling? Alas — the chaos of wailing, the tumult of weeping, the grinding of teeth, the disordered multitude of groans.9 Woe, woe — how many, how many and how many woes, woes. Sulfurous fire, the flame of Tartarus, and dark, rolling clouds — with what a terrifying roar I see you whirled about.10
Worms, Demons, and the Question of the Damned
The penitent beholds the undying worms and raging demons of hell, then cries out in self-accusation that these torments are prepared for fornicators — of whom he is one.
Worms living in the fire — what a strange, fierce hunger for gnawing drives you like this, you whom that fire of all fires does not burn?✦ Demons, burning with shared flame, roaring with heat, gnashing in fury — why are you so cruel to those who wallow among you? O torments of every kind, tempered by justice yet unmeasured to endure — is it truly so? Will no limit, no remedy, no end ever restrain you? Great God, are these the things that have been prepared for fornicators and those who despise you — and I am one of them? I — yes, I — I am certainly one of those.
Between Justice and Mercy
Torn between the accusations of sin and the hope of divine mercy, the soul pleads that God not fix his gaze on evil so as to forget his goodness.
My soul, tremble; my mind, give way; my heart, be torn apart. Where are you dragging me, you collectors of my crime? Where are you thrusting me, my sin? Where are you handing me over, my God? If I did what made me your guilty one, surely I could not have done what would keep me from being your creature? If you have taken my chastity from me, surely you have not destroyed your own mercy from yourself? Lord, Lord, if I have done what gives you grounds to condemn me, have you then lost the grounds on which you are wont to save? Do not, Lord, do not fix your gaze on my evil so that you forget your good.
Pleading God's Own Words
The penitent takes God's own promise from Ezekiel — that He does not desire the death of the sinner — and presses it urgently against the threat of damnation.
Where is — O truthful God, where is — 'I live, I' — 'I do not want the death of the sinner, but rather that he be converted and live'?✦ Lord, who does not lie, Lord, what is this — 'I do not want the death of the sinner' — if you bury in hell the sinner crying out to you?✦ Or to thrust the sinner into Gehenna — is this 'I do not want the death of the sinner'?✦ Or is this what I want — that the sinner be converted and live? I am a sinner, Lord; I am a sinner. If therefore you do not want the death of the sinner, what compels you — against your will — to hand me over to death? If you want the sinner to be converted and live, what keeps you from doing what you will — converting me, so that I may live? Or does the enormity of my sin compel you against your will and prevent what you will, though you are almighty God?
God's Mercy Prevails Over Sin
The penitent cries out that the Almighty's sentence must not be overcome by the wickedness of a confessing and grieving sinner.
God forbid, almighty God — God forbid! Lord God, do not let the wickedness of a confessing and grieving sinner prevail against the sentence of the Almighty.
Final Plea for Pardon
The meditation closes with a sustained prayer that God remember His kindness rather than His justice, trusting that mercy surpasses every offense and that His omnipotence can spare the penitent.
Remember, O just, holy, and kind God — remember that you are merciful, and my Creator and Restorer. So then, good Lord, do not remember your justice against your sinner, but be mindful of your kindness toward your creature. Do not remember wrath against the guilty one, but be mindful of compassion toward the wretched. It is true that my conscience deserves condemnation, and my repentance is not enough to make full satisfaction. But it is certain that your mercy surpasses every offense. Spare me, then — you, good Lord, to whom salvation belongs, who do not desire the death of the sinner — spare this sinful soul of mine.✦ For she has fled in terror from your frightening justice to your comforting mercy — since the reward of virginity is lost to the corrupted woman, O grief, beyond recovery — so that at least the punishment of fornication may not be unavoidable for the penitent. For it is not impossible for your omnipotence, nor unbecoming to your justice, nor unusual for your mercy, since you are good, and since your mercy endures forever, O you who are blessed for all ages.1112 Amen.
Read the original Latin
Anima mea, anima aerumnosa, anima, inquam, misera miseri homunculi, excute torporem tuum, et discute peccatum tuum, et concute mentem tuam; reduc ad cor enorme delictum, et produc de corde immanem rugitum. Intende, infelix, intende sceleris tui horrorem, et protende horrificum terrorem, et terrificum dolorem. Tu, inquam, quae quondam candidata coelesti lavacro, dotata Spiritu sancto, in Christiana professione jurata, virgo fuisti Christo desponsata. O unde memini! O quem nominavi! utique non jam benignum sponsum virginitatis meae, sed terribilem judicem immunditiae meae. Heu memoria perditae jucunditatis! Cur sic superaggravas pressuram possidentis infelicitatis?
quam misera sors flagitiosi hominis, cui et bonum et malum pariter sunt in tormentum? Torquet enim me mala conscientia, et cruciatus ejus in quibus timeo me arsurum; torquet me bonae conscientiae, et praemiorum ejus, memoria, quae scio me perdidisse, nec amplius recuperaturum. Vae miserum perdere! dolendum, id perdere irrecuperabiliter, quod servari debet interminabiliter. Heu inconsolabile perdere, quod non solum est damnosum bonorum, sed insuper est lucrosum tormentorum!
O virginitas, jam non dilecta mea, sed perdita mea; jam non jucunda mea, sed desperata mea quo devenisti? in quam fetido, in quam amaro coeno me dereliquisti? O fornicatio sordidatrix mentis meae, perditrix animae meae; unde misero subrepsisti, de quam nitido, de quam jucundo statu me praecipitasti? Hinc uris me, o amare moeror, quia illud est amissum: hinc angis me, o gravis dolor, et timor gravioris, quia istud est admissum. Hinc est damnum inconsolabile, hinc tormentum intolerabile. Vae hinc, et vae illinc. Sic sic pariter bonum et malum, sic utique jam juste punitis adhuc viventem miserum malum. Digne, certe digne.
Tu namque anima mea, perfida Deo, perjura Dei, adultera Christi, libenter de virginitatis sublimitate miserabiliter es demersa in barathrum fornicationis. Tu illa olim desponsata Regi coelorum, ardenter facta es scortum tortoris tartarorum. Heu, abjecta a Deo, projecta diabolo, imo abjiciens Deum, amplectens diabolum. Tu enim, tu misera anima mea, meretrix obstinata, fornicatrix impudens, tu prior amatori et creatori tuo Deo repudium obtulisti, et ad insidiatorem et perditorem tuum daemonem te sponte contulisti. O miserrima commutatio!
Heu! de quam sublimi cecidisti, in quam profundum corruisti! Vae! quam benignum contempsisti, quam maligno te junxisti! Quid fecisti, o mentis amentia, amens spurcitia, spurca nequitia, quid fecisti? In coelo dereliquisti castum amorem tuum, et in infernum secuta es odiosum corruptorem tuum, et in barathro parasti non thalamum, sed prostibulum tuum. Horror mirabilis, quam perversa voluntas! Miraculum horribile, quam voluntaria perversitas!
Unde mihi, Deus, tantae pravitatis correctio? unde tibi, Deus, tanti sceleris satisfactio? Praecipitare, miser homuncio, in tenebrosum, profundum immoderatae moestitiae, qui sponte praecipitatus es in barathrum horrendae nequitiae. Obruere, infelix, more terribilis doloris, qui corruisti libens in coenum infernalis fetoris. Obvolvere, criminose, horridis tenebris inconsolabilis luctus, qui volens provolutus es in voraginem tam sordidi luxus. Volutare in gurgite amaritudinis, qui delectatus es in volutabro turpitudinis.
Terror horribilis, dolor terribilis, moeror inconsolabilis, aggregate vos super me, irruite, obruite, perturbate, obvolvite, possidete. Justum est, justum est. Impudenti audacia contempsi vos, et putenti delectatione provocavi vos; imo Deum, non vos, et nunc miserabili poenitentia desidero vos. Torquete reum, vindicate Deum. Praesentiat fornicator inferni tormenta quae meruit, praegustet quod praeparavit, assuescat quod est passurus. Extende et produc, immoderate peccator, luctuosam poenitentiam, qui tam longe produxisti tui sceleris immunditiam. Revolvere, et revolvere in eumdem turbinem amaritudinum, qui toties revolutus es in eamdem voraginem libidinum. Consolatio, securitas, laetitia, nolo vos, renuo vos, nisi peccati venia reduxerit vos.
Procul este, procul este ante mortem, si forte indulgentia revocet vos mihi vel post mortem. Sit continua poenitentia amara comes aetatis meae, sit continuus dolor insatiabilis tortor vitae meae, sint moeror et acerbus luctus infatigabiles tribulatores juventutis et senectutis meae. Utinam, utinam ita sit opto, oro, desidero ut ita sit. Si enim non sum dignus oculos ad coelum orando levare, certe non sum indignus eos vel plorando caecare. Si confunditur mens mea orare pudore conscientiae, aequum est ut confundatur turbine luctuosi doloris et tristitiae. Si timet exhiberi ante conspectum Dei sui, justum est ut habeat ante conspectum suum tormenta sceleris sui.
Cogitet igitur et recogitet cor meum quid fecit, et quid meruit. Descendat, inquam, descendat ad terram tenebrosam et opertam mortis caligine mens mea, et consideret quae ibi exspectent scelerosam animam meam, intendat et contempletur, videat et conturbetur. Quid est, Deus, quid est quod animadverto in terra miseriae et tenebrarum? Horror, horror. Quid est quod intueor, ubi nullus ordo, sed sempiternus horror inhabitat? Heu, confusio ululatuum, tumultus fletuum, stridor dentium, inordinata multitudo gemituum. Vae, vae; quot, quot et quot vae, vae. Ignis sulphureus, flamma tartarea, et caliginosa volumina, quam terrifico rugitu video vos rotari.
Vermes in igne viventes, quae mira aviditas rodendi sic vos accendit, quos ille ignis ignium non incendit? Daemones coardentes, frementes ardore, frendentes furore, cur sic crudeles estis his qui volutantur inter vos? O omnimoda tormenta, justitia moderata, ad sustinendum immoderata, siccine nullus modus, nullum remedium, nullus finis temperabit vos? Haeccine sunt, magne Deus, quae parata sunt fornicatoribus, et contemptoribus tuis, quorum ego unus sum? Ego, ego utique unus horum ego sum.
Anima mea, expavesce; mens mea, defice; cor meum, scindere. Quo me rapitis, exactores sceleris mei? Quo me trudis, peccatum meum? quo me tradis, Deus meus? Si feci ut essem reus tuus, nunquid potui facere ut non essem creatus tuus? Si mihi castitatem meam ademi, nunquid tibi misericordiam tuam peremi? Domine, Domine, si ego admisi unde me damnare potes, tune amisisti unde salvare soles? Noli, Domine, noli sic attendere malum meum; ut obliviscaris bonum tuum.
Ubi est, o verax Deus, ubi est, Vivo ego, nolo mortem peccatoris, sed ut magis convertatur et vivat? Domine, qui non mentiris, Domine, quid est, nolo mortem peccatoris, si tu sepelis in infernum ad te clamantem peccatorem? an detrudere peccatorem in gehennam, hoc est nolo mortem peccatoris? An hoc est, volo ut convertatur peccator et vivat? Peccator sum, Domine, peccator sum ego. Si ergo non vis mortem peccatoris, quid te cogit, quod non vis, ut me tradas ad mortem? Si vis ut convertatur peccator et vivat, quid te prohibet facere quod vis, ut me convertas, et vivam? An immanitas peccati mei cogit te quod non vis, et prohibet quod vis, cum sis omnipotens Deus?
Absit, omnipotens Deus, absit! Domine Deus: non praevaleat nequitia peccatoris confitentis et dolentis sententiae Omnipotentis.
Memento, juste, sancte et benigne Deus, memento quia misericors es, et creator et recreator meus. Ne ergo memineris, bone Domine, justitiae tuae adversus peccatorem tuum, sed memor esto benignitatis tuae erga creaturam tuam; ne memineris irae adversus reum, sed memor esto miserationis erga miserum. Verum est quia conscientia mea meretur damnationem, et poenitentia mea non sufficit ad satisfactionem, sed certum est quia misericordia tua superat omnem offensionem. Parce ergo, tu bone Domine, cujus est salus, et qui non vis mortem peccatoris, parce peccatrici animae meae. Fugit enim exterrita a terrente justitia tua ad confortantem misericordiam tuam, ut quoniam praemium virginitatis est corruptae, o dolor, irrecuperabile; saltem supplicium fornicationis poenitenti non sit inevitabile, quia non est impossibile omnipotentiae tuae, nec indecens justitiae tuae, nec insolitum misericordiae tuae, quoniam bonus es, et quoniam in aeternum misericordia tua, qui es benedictus in saecula. Amen.
Scripture echoes
- ↩Jer.2.1-Jer.2.5 — And the word of the LORD came to me, saying, Jer.2.2 — Go and proclaim in the ears of Jerusalem, saying: Thus says the LORD: I remember for you the devotion of your youth, the love of your betrothal—your going after Me in the wilderness, in a land not sown. Jer.2.3 — Israel was holy to the LORD, the firstfruits of his harvest; all who ate of it were held guilty. Disaster came upon them, declares the LORD. Jer.2.4 — Hear the word of the LORD, O house of Jacob, and all the families of the house of Israel. Jer.2.5 — Thus says the LORD: What wrong did your fathers find in me, that they went far from me and walked after emptiness and became empty?
- ↩Isa.66.24 — And they shall go out and see the corpses of the men who rebelled against me, for their worm shall not die, and their fire shall not be quenched, and they shall be an abhorrence to all flesh.
- ↩Ezek.33.11 — Say to them, 'As I live, declares the Lord GOD, I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that the wicked turn from his way and live. Turn, turn from your evil ways! For why should you die, O house of Israel?'
- ↩Ezek.33.11 — Say to them, 'As I live, declares the Lord GOD, I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that the wicked turn from his way and live. Turn, turn from your evil ways! For why should you die, O house of Israel?'
- ↩Ezek.33.11 — Say to them, 'As I live, declares the Lord GOD, I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that the wicked turn from his way and live. Turn, turn from your evil ways! For why should you die, O house of Israel?'
- ↩Ezek.33.11 — Say to them, 'As I live, declares the Lord GOD, I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that the wicked turn from his way and live. Turn, turn from your evil ways! For why should you die, O house of Israel?'
Notes
- 1 ↩quam here is exclamatory ('how! / what!') rather than a standard comparative; rendered as 'what' to capture the emotional force.
- 2 ↩sordidatrix and perditrix are agentive feminine nouns personifying fornication; rendered as 'defiler' and 'destroyer' to preserve the personification.
- 3 ↩quam in quam nitido and quam jucundo is exclamatory; rendered as 'what' for natural English force.
- 4 ↩gravioris is comparative ('of a heavier thing'); rendered as 'something still heavier' to preserve the open-ended dread.
- 5 ↩admissum as a substantive participle ('that which has been admitted/committed'); rendered as 'that sin' for clarity in context.
- 6 ↩The opening sic sic pariter bonum et malum is compressed and exclamatory; the sense seems to be that the good (virginity) and the evil (its loss/sin) are now inseparable in their effect — both are sources of torment. Rendered to capture that convergence.
- 7 ↩malum at the end functions substantively as 'evil/wickedness' modifying the living person; rendered as 'wickedness' to clarify the sense.
- 8 ↩The repeated hortatory subjunctives (descendat, descendat, consideret, intendat, contempletur, videat, conturbetur) are rendered as a series of 'let it' clauses to preserve the rhetorical intensity and the speaker's urgent self-exhortation.
- 9 ↩The heavily alliterative, asyndetic Latin (confusio ululatuum, tumultus fletuum, stridor dentium, inordinata multitudo gemituum) is rendered with English approximations that preserve the sense and cumulative force; the rhetorical density is inevitably reduced.
- 10 ↩Volumina (caliginosa volumina) is rendered as 'rolling clouds'; the gloss notes uncertainty between 'whirlwinds' and 'rolling volumes/masses'. The sense is of dark, churning masses surrounding the damned, but the precise image is debated.
- 11 ↩The ut clause (token_index 11) is ambiguous between purpose ('so that') and result ('with the result that'). Rendered as purpose to preserve the penitent's hopeful petition.
- 12 ↩praemium virginitatis est corruptae — 'the reward of virginity is lost to the corrupted woman.' The genitive corruptae is rendered as a dative of reference; it could also be read as a genitive of quality ('the reward of corrupted virginity'). The former reading better fits the lament context.
Orationes sive Meditationes — Collection for Princess Adeliza of Normandy companion
There are 90 more prayers where these came from
Chosen Portion delivers the full Anselm collection — and the wider royal devotional archive — one daily prayer at a time, free.
Anselm told Adeliza to take these prayers a little at a time, and Chosen Portion does exactly that — serving the collection as paced daily portions rather than a book to skim.
- Pray through all 97 of Anselm's prayers and meditations, one portion each day
- Each prayer is broken into short sections so a 100-sentence meditation fits a 10-minute sitting
- Morning reminder at your chosen time, so the day starts with a written prayer instead of a blank