How the chosen soule was nevere ded in the syte of God, and of a mervel upon the same; and three things boldid hir to aske of God the understondyng of it. Fiftieth chapter.
Mercy and the Divine Gaze
Julian reflects that mercy and forgiveness lead us to grace, and though we are judged dead on earth, in God's sight the saved soul is never dead; she marvels that God shows no blame despite our sin.
And in this mortal life, mercy and forgiveness are our way, and they forever lead us to grace. And because of the tempest and the sorrow that we fall into on our part, we are often dead in people's judgment on earth; but in the sight of God, the soul that shall be saved was never dead, and never shall be.1 But even so, I wondered and marveled here with all the diligence of my soul, thinking this: Good Lord, I see You who are true Truth, and I know truly that we sin grievously every day and are greatly blameworthy—and I can neither leave the knowing of this truth, nor do I see You showing us any kind of blame.2 How can this be? For I knew by the common teaching of Holy Church, and by my own feeling, that the blame of our sin continually hangs upon us from the first man until the time we come up into Heaven. Then this was my marvel: that I saw our Lord God showing us no more blame than if we were as clean and as holy as angels are in Heaven.
The Strain of Two Truths
Julian's reason is torn between the truth of our sinfulness and the vision of God's blameless regard, and she longs to know how God beholds us in our sin.
And caught between these two opposites, my reason was under great strain because of my blindness and couldn't find any rest, fearing that His blessed presence would vanish from my sight and leave me without knowing how He sees us in our sin. For either I needed to see in God that sin was completely done away with, or else I needed to see in God how He sees it, so that I might truly know how I ought to see sin and the nature of our blame.3 My longing continued while I kept gazing upon Him, and yet I could find no patience, so great was my awe and perplexity, thinking: If I assume that we are not sinners and not blameworthy, it seems I would be mistaken and fail to know this truth.4 And if it is true that we are sinners and blameworthy, Good Lord, how can it then be that I cannot see this truth in You, who are my God, my Maker, in whom I desire to see all truths?
Three Bold Points and a Cry for Help
Julian names three reasons she dares to ask for understanding—the matter is low, common, and necessary—and she cries inwardly to Jesus for teaching.
For three reasons I am bold to ask it. The first is because it is such a low thing—for if it were a high one, I would be afraid.5 The second is that it is so common—for if it were special and private, I would also be afraid.6 The third is that I need to know it, it seems to me, if I am to live here—for the knowledge of good and evil, so that by reason and grace I may more clearly set them apart, and love goodness and hate evil as Holy Church teaches. I cried inwardly with all my might, seeking God for help, meaning this: "Ah, Lord Jesus, King of bliss, how shall I be eased? Who will teach me and tell me what I need to know if I cannot at this time see it in You?
Read the original Middle English
And in this dedly lif, mercy and forgivenes is our wey and evermore ledyth us to grace. And be the tempest and the sorow that we fallen in on our parte, we be often dede as to manys dome in erth, but in the syte of God, the soule that shal be save was never dede ne never shall. But yet here I wondrid and mervelid with al the diligens of my soul menand thus: Good Lord, I se the that art very truth and I know sothly that we synne grevously al day and ben mekyl blameworthy, and I ne may neyther levyn the knowyng of this sothe, ner I ne se the shewyn to us no manner of blame. How may this be? For I knew be the common techyng of Holy Church, and be myn owne felyng, that the blame of our synne continuly hangith upon us from the first man into the tyme that we come up into Hevyn. Than was this my mervel, that I saw our Lord God shewand to us no more blame than if we were as clene and as holy as angelys be in Hevyn.
And atwix these two contraries my reason was gretly traveylid by my blyndhede and cowde have no rest for drede that His blyssid presens shuld passyn from my syte, and I to be left in onknowyng how He beholdyth us in our synne. For either behovid me to sen in God that synne were al don awey, or ell me behovid to sen in God how He seith it, wherby I myte trewly knowen how it longyth to me to se synne and the manner of our blame. My longyn indurid, Hym continuly beholding, and yet I cowde have no patience for great awer and perplexitie, thynkand: If I take it thus that we be not synners ne no blameworthy, it semyth as I shuld eryn and faile of knoweing of this soth. And if it be so that we be synners and blameworthy, Good Lord, how may it than ben that I can not sen this sothnes in The, which art my God, my maker, in whom I desire to sen al trueths?
For three poynts makyn me herdy to ask it. The first is for it is so low a thyng, for if it wer an hey, I should ben adred. The second is that it is so common, for if it were special and privye, also I shuld ben adred. The third is that it nedyth me to wetyn it, as me thynkyth, if I shall levyn here, for knowyng of good and evill wherby I may be reason and grace the more depart hem on sundre, and loven goodnes and haten evill as Holy Church techyth. I cryed inwardly with al my myte sekyng into God for helpe, menand thus, "A, Lord Jesus, King of bliss, how shall I ben esyd? Ho that shal techyn me and tellyn me that me nedyth to wetyn if I may not at this tyme sen it in The?"
Notes
- 1 ↩ME 'be the tempest and the sorow' taken causally ('because of'); 'dede as to manys dome' is death in human judgment, not extinction of the soul before God.
- 2 ↩'very truth' rendered as 'true Truth' to keep Julian's claim that God is Truth itself, not merely truthful; 'levyn the knowyng' = abandon/leave off knowing, not 'believe'.
- 3 ↩ME 'seith' here is 'sees' (from sen), not 'says'; context is God's beholding of sin, parallel to 'beholdyth' in s1.
- 4 ↩ME 'awer' rendered as 'awe' (reverent dread); 'fear' is also possible, but 'awe and perplexity' fits the contemplative strain here.
- 5 ↩ME 'low' / 'hey' here means humble and ordinary versus lofty and exalted, not moral baseness.
- 6 ↩ME 'privye' means private, secret, or reserved to a few, not merely intimate.
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