Tractatus Prior, Pars Altera, Cap. 5. Derelictio Domini lesu et fuga apostolorum.

Tractatus Prior, Pars Altera, Cap. 5. Derelictio Domini lesu et fuga apostolorum.

I bless you and give thanks to you, Lord Jesus Christ, good shepherd and kind teacher, for your greatest abandonment or desolation in that extreme moment of need, when you were left all alone by all your disciples and closest friends among the fiercest enemies. For your brothers and closest friends, who promised to die for you and give their lives, when the moment of necessity arrived, all together abandoned you and fled. I praise and honor you for that painful compassion of your heart, with which you grieved over the scandal and distress of your disciples when you, their shepherd, were placed in the midst of wolves, just as you foretold, and they were scattered in their own way. Oh, how great was the sorrow, how intense the pain and groaning in the hearts of the disciples when they saw their Lord and Master, whom they had followed, being so violently taken away from them and dragged to death. But you, Lord, who know all things and allow nothing to happen without a reason, have brought such great weakness upon your chosen members for the sake of a greater good to come. Finally, from this situation, they were brought back to their own fragility and became more compassionate toward other weak brothers, and afterwards, at all times, they remained humble and devoted with greater caution and fervor of spirit. Oh, how useful it is for me to contemplate this place more diligently and never to presume anything great about myself. Although sometimes a certain grace of new fervor may be present to the one praying, I don’t know how long it will last, or what might threaten in times of temptation. If the pillars of heaven, the apostles of Christ, were shaken during the hour of tribulation, what can be said of the most fragile and empty human being when a light temptation strikes him? Some even blame you, Lord, harshly for the way the holy apostles left you so shamefully and sought to escape in fear, but they don’t see how quickly they themselves turn away from the truth, whether out of love or hatred, every day. So I pray to you, dearest Lord, that you don’t let me fall into such madness of heart that I would abandon the holy purpose I once embraced; rather, let me follow you wherever you go, whether in life or in death. I won't flee from you in times of trouble, nor will I follow my desires into sin. Instead, for your love and the pursuit of virtue, I will bravely face my labors and various hardships, lest I lose you, the highest good, because of my own laziness. Let me not be led by the foot of pride from any good work, nor let me speak presumptuously with Peter, preferring myself to anyone else or comparing myself to others; instead, let me always act with your fear, humbly regarding my own fragility. Let the fall of Saint Peter and the flight of the apostles be my caution against sin, and not a scandal. May their return to repentance be a great hope for obtaining mercy after their fall. No one is so holy that they won't sometimes stumble into minor faults. When it happens that I am left desolate by friends and acquaintances, or I am treated as an outsider and useless by those I hold dear, grant me, as a singular remedy, the grace to remember your most serious abandonment and rejection, and to willingly desire to be deprived of all human consolation, so that I may be configured even in a small way to your tribulations. Lord Jesus, please forgive me for how often I've stumbled and so easily drifted into vanity, and help me to keep my heart focused on what I’ve set out to do. Oh, how often I look back and spend time on so many things that mean nothing, and I don't pay attention to your suffering for me. You have gone before me along a narrow path, and I pass by dry-eyed, as if nothing of your sufferings concerns me. Remember my insipid heart and pour into me the sweet remembrance of your most bitter passion. Lo.