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The Vanity of Purchased Popularity
The author compares the empty boasters of his day to the characters of Terence, illustrating how the pursuit of cheap popularity leads to inevitable deception.
These are people who, in their empty boasting, resemble the Eunuch from Terence; and just as the vanity of a prostitute follows the money, so does theirs. As we've said, you can find a 'glorious soldier' in any profession who, through favors and gifts, pursues his own 'Thais'—that is, a famous name and a kind of cheap popularity. Yet he's never without a Gnatho to deceive him, a Phaedria to steal his glory, a young man to squander his gifts, or a servant like Parmeno to mock his foolishness. Look at the Eunuch in the comedy, listen to Gnatho, and pay close attention to whether you see him in your own circle of boasters. He believed that every army and every council was in his eyes; and when he grew tired of people or business, if he ever felt a sense of hatred, he would take me away as his only dinner guest to where he wanted to rest, so that he could purge that misery from his soul. Everyone envied me; they would bite at me in secret, but I didn't care a straw for them—they envied me miserably. I would openly criticize some people and mock others with biting sarcasm so that everyone present would die laughing; in the end, everyone was afraid of me. Truly, this man is great in his own eyes, and there's no one like him in the whole comedy. He is therefore worthy to be admitted to Thais, now that Phaedria—who is just as insane over her—has been excluded. The excluded man is grieving, but he is taught by a sober servant to walk away from the prostitute and keep a good heart; for if he gets too close to the fire, he’ll burn more than enough. He shouldn’t have to endure the insults of prostitutes who, with one fake little tear—which they’ve barely managed to squeeze out by rubbing their eyes pitifully—will extinguish the lover’s anger, and then, by accusing him, will make sure he pays a voluntary penalty. After all, no one can find it easier to love wisely than to be insane with reason. This man, then, is involved with Phaedria and Thais on the condition that he keep quiet about what he hears and hold it in perfectly; but if it’s false, empty, or made up, he pours it out in public immediately. He’s full of cracks; he leaks everywhere. He argues with both and mocks both, seeing one as a deceiver and the other as hopelessly insane. The excluded man groans, 'O Thais, if only I had an equal share of love with you, and if it could happen that you were hurt by this, or that I could think nothing of what you’ve done to me!' Thais replies, 'Don’t torture yourself, I beg you, my dear Phaedria.' 'By heaven, I didn’t do it because I love or care for anyone else more; but that’s how it was: it had to be done.' 'Clearly,' says Parmeno, 'I believe she shut him out because of her miserable love.'
The Cycle of the Prostitute's Favor
The narrative of the soldier's failed attempt to reclaim his status reveals the fickle and transactional nature of worldly relationships.
Why say more? The prostitute’s trick is to have one lover yield his place to another for a few days, until the one who’s been admitted is drained of his resources and left worse off. For Thais must be humored, as she admits those who are more extravagant and more ruined. In the meantime, those who have been excluded deliberate on what they can give or send; for the one who sends the latest gift is the most powerful in her eyes. But when she has drained the first one, the other returns, and having excluded the first, she assigns to him the miserable province of his own grief. The soldier goes mad, and in the heat of his grief, he decides he would rather die than accept such a glaring insult to himself. He calls his household together, plans for war, and decides to storm the brothel with all his gathered strength. He marches forward, turning the injury over in his mind and on his lips. He speaks grandly and burns with threats; but when he approaches the conflict, mindful of his former love, he recalls the military precept which, on the authority of Scipio, makes it clear that a wise man should try everything before resorting to arms. He therefore approaches his Thais according to their agreement, acting by right rather than by force: "First, Thais, answer me this: when I give you this maiden, did you promise to give yourself to me alone for these days?" Thais: "So what?" She seems to grant what she doesn't deny. Thraso: "But you brought my rival right in front of me." Etilla: "Why are you arguing with him?" See, because of the mistress's protection, it is not even permitted to exchange words with a rival: "With him," she says, "you stole yourself away from me in secret." And she says, "I felt like it." So, give Pamphila back, unless you'd rather have her taken from you. It seems fair and just to ask for something back when it was given for a reason, if that reason hasn't followed through. Why say more? At the woman's cry, her neighbors and fellow townspeople gather; a crowd forms, the soldier is insulted, and his attempt to use force and legal standing is resisted. The most foolish of all scoundrels is warned to keep his tongue and hands to himself, because if he causes any trouble or makes any move, he's promised that the memory of this place, this day, and his tormentor will be branded onto him in a way that will make him pay. Thais orders the one questioning her to find someone who will answer for her. The soldier, having failed in his effort and his cause, is forced to leave in disgrace. And this is the fruit these miserable lovers bring home; with the added sting that someone else is now enjoying the things they lost. And to make them suffer all the more, the one who stole those things from the woman doesn't think he's succeeded unless he proclaims and broadcasts the foolishness and misfortune of those lovers, along with his own success, for everyone to hear.
The Folly of Secret Corruption
Chaereas reflects on his own deceptive success, highlighting the frantic and unstable nature of joy built upon illicit gain.
Listen to Chaereas, the secret corruptor of Pamphila, and hear what he says as he leaves after deceiving the courtesan. Is anyone here? There's no one. Is anyone following me? There's no one. Am I allowed to let this joy break out? By Jupiter, now is the time to die, while I can endure this joy, so that no sickness of life might stain it. But I hope no curious person shows up now to follow me and pester me with questions, to wear me out or kill me, asking what I'm so happy about, where I'm going, where I've come from, where I got these clothes, or what I'm looking for—whether I'm sane or insane.
The Instability of Sold Friendship
The author concludes that any friendship or favor bought with money is inherently unreliable and destined to collapse when resources are exhausted.
When asked about all this, he replied, "No, Antipho, I beg you to hear everything—hear about the feast day, the happy outcome, the sweet fortune, a story worth remembering for all time," and he added the tricks of his own madness to the account. In short, I think all these things boil down to this for now: you should take it as a certainty that you shouldn't place any trust in a friendship that has been bought. Whatever comes from a sincere heart is faithful, certain, and fixed; but whatever comes from a money chest or a purse is fluid, uncertain, unreliable, and withers away when the funds run out. While fortune lasts, you keep the face of a friend; when it falls, you turn your faces away in shameful flight. Everything that enters into commerce passes from one person to another, and it follows the buyer who is richer and more greedy. But there is nothing more unfair in this marketplace, where buying something once won't do you any good unless you keep buying it forever, and where everyone claims what they have sold to another unless they are also satisfied regarding the price. For who has ever sold popular favor? If it must be held publicly, let it be bought by everyone. People aren't allowed to squander public resources. There's even a proverb that reckless generosity has no bottom. Furthermore, if someone whom popular favor has raised to a position of power demands the fame he bought like Thraso, he’ll be insulted, stripped of his honor, and pushed aside by some other Thais—a woman even less faithful than the first—who will block him, pull him down, and drive him away from the rank he previously purchased. A rival insults him, a sober critic gloats, and Gnatho barely whispers a word while there's still hope, or he stays silent altogether if he loses hope, moving on to others because his strategy is always to stick with those who are more successful.
Read the original Latin
personis quae ad similitudinem Eunuchi Terentiani sint apud inaniter gloriantes; et quod uana gloria meretricis more loculos sequitur. Est, ut diximus, in quauis professione inuenire militem gloriosum qui obsequiis et muneribus suam Thaidem, id est nomen celebre et quasi famae gratiam captat. Sed ei nec Gnato ut decipiat, nec Phedria qui laudem praeripiat, nec qui dona corrumpat adolescens aut seruus Parmeno qui desipientem irrideat, deest. Apud Eunuchum comici audi Gnatonem et an ipsum in familia gloriantium uideas diligenter attende. in oculis; omnem credebat exercitum, consilia; et, ubi eum satietas hominum aut negotii si quando odium ceperat, requiescere ubi uolebat, ut illam expueret miseriam ex animo, tamen me conuiuam solum abducebat sibi. Inuidere omnes michi; mordere clanculum, ego floci pendebam, illi inuidere misere. Ego alios palam reprehendebam, alios mordaciter irridebam ut risu emorerentur omnes qui aderant; denique metuebant omnes iam me. Profecto magnus est hic in oculis suis, et non est ei similis in tota comedia.
Dignus est ergo qui intromittatur ad Thaidem, excluso Phedria qui in ea non minus insanit. Dolet exclusus, a seruo docetur sobrio ut recedat a meretrice bonoque sit animo quia, si ad ignem accesserit, calescet plus satis, nec patiatur contumelias meretricum quae una falsa lacrimula, quam oculos misere terendo uix ui expresserunt, restinguent amantis bilem, et ultro accusantes id agent ut ultroneum supplicium praestet; nam sapienter amare nemo facilius potest quam ratione insanire. Hic ergo a Phedriae et Thaidis ea conditione interest uerbis ut quod uerum audierit taceat et contineat optime; sin falsum aut uanum aut fictum, continuo palam efiundat; plenus rimarum est, hac atque illac effluit. Vtrumque arguit, irridet utrumque, quoniam alterum fallere, alterum uidet irreuocabiliter insanire. Ait ergo exclusus et gemens prae ' ' O Thais, utinam esset michi pars aequa amoris tecum ac pariter fieret, ut aut hoc tibi doleret aut ego istuc abs te factum nichili penderem! Thais ad haec: Ne crucia te obsecro, anime mi, Phaedria. Non pol, quo quemquam plus amem aut plus diligam, eo feci; sed ita erat res: faciendum fuit. Plane: Credo (inquit Parmeno) misera prae amore exclusit hunc foras.
Quid multa? Id agit fallacia meretricis ut unus amantum alteri priores partes cedat per aliquot dies, dum deterius rebus amissis emungatur admissus. Mos est enim gerendus Thaidi, quae profusiores et perditiores admittit. Interim quid donare queant aut mittere exclusi deliberent; nam potentissimus est apud eam qui nouissima mittit. Vbi uero priorem emunxerit, redit alter, exclusoque priore delegat ei mestam doloris sui prouinciam. Insanit ergo miles et in impetu doloris potius uel moriendum esse decernit quam in se contumeliam tam insignem accipiat. Familiam conuocat, disponit bellum, et prostibulum collectis uiribus expugnare decernit. Progreditur, mente et ore reuoluit iniuriam.
Loquitur grandia, minis feruet; sed, cum ad conflictum accedit, memor amoris pristini praeceptum recolit militare, quo ex auctoritate Scipionis liquet quia omnia prius experiri quam armis sapientem decet. Thaidem ergo suam ex pacto sic conuenit iure non uiribus agens: Primum, Thais, hoc michi responde, cum tibi do istam uirginem, dixtin hos dies michi soli dare te? Thais: Quid tum postea? , Concedere uidetur quae non negat. Thraso: At michi ante oculos coram amatorem adduxti tuum. Etilla: Quid cum eo litigas? Ecce quia amicae patrocinio nec uerba miscere cum riuali licitum est: Cum eo (inquit) te michi clam subduxisti. Et illa: Lubuit (inquit).
Pamphilam ergo redde huc, nisi mauis eripi. Aequum et iustum uidetur petere, cum repeti possit quod a ob causam datum est, si ea secuta non fuerit. Quid multa? Ad clamorem meretricis contribules conuicaneique conueniunt, turba fit, conuiciatur miles, petenti uiribus et iure resistitur, denuntiaturque furcifero omnium ineptissimo ut linguam manusque contineat quia, si quippiam turbae fecerit aut moliminis, sibi loci diei tortorisque memoria inustione signorum promittitur in eum protendenda. InJ5 terrogantem se Thais quaerere iubet qui respondeat sibi. Miles, opera et re perdita, cogitur redire inglorius. Et hunc fructum reportant miseri amatores; eo tamen addito quod alius rebus quas illi perdiderunt abutitur. Et, quo magis doleant, qui eas meretrici subripuit sibi successisse non putat, nisi stultitiam et infortunia amantium suosque successus in auditu omnium praeconetur et publicet.
Audi Cheream occultum datae Pamphilae corruptorem, quid meretrice decepta loquatur egrediens. Numquis hic est? Nemo est. Numquis hic me sequitur? Nemo homo est. lamne erumpere hoc licet michi gaudium? Pro lupiter nunc est profecto interfici cum me possum perpeti, ne hoc gaudium contaminet uita aegritudine aliqua. Sed neminem hic curiosum interuenire nunc michi, qui me sequatur quique iam rogitando obtundat, cniciet, enecet, quid gestiam aut quid letus sim, quo pergam, unde emergam, ubi siem uestitum huuc nactus, quid michi quaeram, sanus sim an insaniam?
Interrogatus haec omnia: Immo ego, inquit, te obsecro, Antipho, ut audias omnia, audias diem festum, iocundum euentum, suauem fortunam, in euum omnibus historiam memorandam; et sui quoque furoris subtexuit dolos. In summa totius argumenti eo ad praesens uniuersa haec arbitror posse referri, ut constet pro certo quia amicitiae prostitutae fides haberi non debet. Nam quae uenit a sinceritate animi, fidelis certa et fixa est; quae ab archa uel loculis, fluida incerta erronea, et deficiente uiatico emarcescit. Cum fortuna manet, uultum seruatis amici; 5' cum cecidit, turpi uertitis ora fuga. Omnis enim res quae in commercium uenit ab uno transit ad alium, et ditiorem et auidiorem comitatur emptorem. At foro isto nichil iniquius est, quo rem semel emisse non proderit, nisi semper ematur; et ubi quisque rem ab alio o uenditam uendicat, nisi et ipsi de pretio satisfiat. Quis enim popularem fauorem uendidit? Si publice habendus est, ematur ab uniuersis.
Singulis enim non licet publica bona distrahere. In prouerbii quoque consuetudinem uenit quia incauta largitio non habet fundum. Praeterea, quem popularis fauor ad munera extulit, si forte Trasonis more emptam celebritatem exigit, contumeliis affectum, honore spoliatum Thais altera fama et quauis Thaide minus fida a praeempto honoris gradu arcet deprimit et repellit. a Insultat riualis, sobrius correptor exultat, Gnato uix submurmurat, dum tamen spes est, aut silet omnino, si desperat, et ad alios transit, quia ei consilium est semper felicioribus adherere.
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