Capítulo XXXVI
The Foundation Begins
Teresa recounts the journey, the arrival of the papal brief, the secret preparations, the taking of the habit, and her initial joy and humility.
She continues with the story she started, explaining how the monastery of the glorious Saint Joseph was finally completed and founded. She describes the intense opposition and persecution that arose after the nuns took the habit, the great trials and temptations she endured, and how the Lord brought her through it all to victory, for His glory and praise. Once I'd left that city, I traveled along the road very happy, resolved to go through whatever the Lord might will, and with my entire willingness. The very night I arrived in this land, the authorization for our monastery arrived, along with the brief from Rome—so that I was astonished, and so were those who knew the haste the Lord had put on me to come, when they learned how greatly it was needed and the timely moment the Lord was bringing me into; because I found here the bishop, and the holy Fray Pedro de Alcántara, and another gentleman, a great servant of God, in whose house this holy man was lodging—a person with whom God's servants found support and a welcome.12 Two of us went in and got the bishop to admit the monastery—which was no small thing, since it was poor—but he was such a friend to people he saw as so determined to serve the Lord that he soon grew eager to favor it; and this holy old man's approving it, and pressing hard with one person and another to help us, was what made it all happen.3 If he hadn't come at this juncture, as I've already said, I can't understand how it could have been done, because this holy man was here only a short time—I don't think it was even eight days, and he was very sick during those days—and a very short while afterward the Lord took him to Himself. It seems His Majesty had kept him until this business was finished, for he had been very ill for a long time—I don't know if more than two years. Everything was done under great secrecy, because if it hadn't been that way, I don't know whether I could have done anything, since the townspeople were so against it, as became clear afterward.4 The Lord arranged for a brother-in-law of mine to fall ill, and his wife was away, and he was in such need that they let me stay with him; and under this cover, nothing came to light, though some people certainly suspected something was going on — but even so they still didn't believe it. It was something to marvel at: he was no sicker than necessary for the plan, and when it became necessary for him to recover so I could free myself and he could leave the house empty, the Lord restored his health at once — so much so that he himself was astonished. I went to a great deal of trouble urging one person after another to get it approved, and dealing with the sick man and the workmen so the house could be finished quickly and take shape as a monastery — since a great deal still remained unfinished; and my companion wasn't here, because we thought it better for her to stay away to keep things more concealed, and I saw that everything depended on speed for many reasons; one was that I feared every hour that they would order me to leave.5 There were so many hardships that I began to wonder whether this was the cross; and yet it still seemed little to me compared with the great cross I had understood from the Lord that I would have to bear. So once everything was arranged, the Lord was pleased that on Saint Bartholomew's day some of them took the habit, and the Most Holy Sacrament was reserved; with full authority and force our monastery of our most glorious father Saint Joseph was established, in the year fifteen hundred and sixty-two. I was there to give them the habit, along with two other nuns from our own house who happened to be away.6 Since this house where the monastery was founded was the one my brother-in-law was staying in (who, as I've said, had bought it to conceal the business better), I was there with permission, and I did nothing that wasn't with the counsel of learned men, so as not to go one bit against obedience; and since they saw it was very beneficial for the whole Order for many reasons—even though I was proceeding in secret and taking care that my superiors not find out—they told me I could do it, because if they had told me it involved even the slightest imperfection, I think I would have left a thousand monasteries, how much more one.78 This is certain, because although I desired it—to withdraw further from everything and live out my profession and calling with greater perfection and enclosure—I desired it in such a way that if I had understood it was a greater service to the Lord to leave it all behind, I would have done so, as I did the other time, with complete calm and peace. So for me it was like being in glory to see the Most Holy Sacrament reserved, and that four poor orphans were provided for—because they were received without a dowry—and great servants of God; for this was the aim from the beginning: that people should enter who by their example would be a foundation, so that the purpose we had of great perfection and prayer could be carried out; and a work was done that I had understood was for the service of the Lord and the honor of the habit of his glorious Mother—for these were my longings.9 And it also gave me great consolation to have done what the Lord had so strongly commanded me, and that there was one more church in this place dedicated to my glorious father Saint Joseph — something that hadn't been there before. Not because it seemed to me that I had done anything in it — for it never seemed so to me, nor does it now; I've always understood that the Lord was doing it. And as for my part, it went with so many imperfections that I see there was more reason to blame me than to thank me. But it was a great gift to me to see that His Majesty had taken me as an instrument, wretched as I am, for so great a work. So I was filled with such great joy that I was as if beside myself in deep prayer.10
The Spiritual Battle
After the foundation, Teresa experiences a severe spiritual battle with doubts and fears, but overcomes it by promising enclosure before the Blessed Sacrament.
When everything was finished, it must have been about three or four hours later that the devil stirred up a spiritual battle against me, as I'll now tell. He set before me whether what I had done had been wrong; whether I was going against obedience in having sought it without the provincial ordering me to—for it seemed clear to me he was bound to take some offense, because it subjected him to the Ordinary, since I hadn't told him first; although, since he hadn't wanted to accept it and I wasn't changing that arrangement, it also seemed to me he wouldn't care either way; and whether those who were here under such strict constraint would be content; whether they would lack food; whether it had been a folly—and who was getting me into this, since I already had a monastery.11 Everything the Lord had commanded me, and the many counsels and prayers that for more than two years had scarcely ever ceased, was so wiped from my memory as if it had never existed: I remembered only my own judgment, and all the virtues and faith were then suspended in me, without my having the strength to act on any of them, or to defend me from so many blows. The devil also put it to me that, wanting as I did to shut myself into so cramped a house, and with so many illnesses, how was I going to be able to endure so much penance—and that I was leaving so large and pleasant a house, where I had always been so content, and so many friends; that perhaps the ones here wouldn't be to my liking; that I had bound myself to a great deal; that perhaps I would be in despair; and that maybe the devil had intended this in order to take away my peace and quiet, and that then I wouldn't be able to pray while I was so unsettled, and I would lose my soul.12 He set things of this kind all together before me, so that it wasn't in my power to think of anything else; and with that came an affliction and darkness and shadows in my soul that I don't know how to exaggerate. When I saw myself like that, I went to see the Most Blessed Sacrament, though I could not commend myself to Him: it seems to me I was in an anguish like someone in the agony of death. I wouldn't dare discuss it with anyone, because I didn't even have a designated confessor. Oh, God help me — what a miserable life this is! There's no sure contentment, and nothing without change. There had been so little of it that I don't think I would have traded my contentment for any on earth — and the very cause of that contentment was now tormenting me so badly that I didn't know what to do with myself.13 Oh, if we looked carefully at the things of our life, each of us would see by experience how little we ought to take either contentment or discontent from it! It's certain — it seems to me this was one of the hardest spells I've been through in my life. It seems the spirit foresaw how much still lay ahead, though it never came to be as much as this would have been if it had lasted. But the Lord did not leave His poor servant to suffer, because He never failed to help me in my trials; and so it was in this one — He gave me a little light to see that it was the devil, and so that I could understand the truth, and that it was all an attempt to frighten me with lies. And so I began to remember my great resolutions to serve the Lord, and my desires to suffer for Him, and I thought that if I was going to keep them, I mustn't go looking for ease; and that if I had hardships, that was where the merit lay; and if I had discontent — so long as I took it for the sake of serving God — it would serve me as a purgatory. So what was I afraid of?14 For since I desired hardships, these were good ones; in the greatest opposition lay the gain — so why should I lack the courage to serve the One to whom I owed so much? With these and other considerations, forcing myself hard, I promised before the Blessed Sacrament to do everything I could to get leave to come to this house, and once I could do so with a clear conscience, to promise enclosure. The moment I did this, the demon fled instantly, leaving me calm and content. I’ve stayed that way ever since, and everything observed in this house—the enclosure, the penance, and the rest—feels extremely easy and light to me.
Contentment and Praise
Teresa reflects on the immense contentment and improved health she experiences after the battle, praising God.
The contentment is so immense that I sometimes wonder, what could I choose on earth that would be more delightful? I don't know whether this is partly why I have much better health than ever, or whether the Lord, because it's necessary and right that I do what all the others do, wants to give me this consolation—that I can do it, even with effort; but everyone who knows my illnesses is astonished that I can.15 Blessed be He who gives everything, and in whose power it can be done.16
The Public Uproar and Judgment
The foundation becomes known, causing uproar; Teresa is summoned, goes to judgment with humility, and the provincial is satisfied.
I was left thoroughly worn out by that struggle, and laughing at the devil, for I saw clearly that it was he. I believe the Lord allowed it, because I had never known what it was to be discontented at being a nun — not for a moment, in the twenty-eight years and more that I have been one — so that I might understand the great mercy He had shown me in this, and the torment He had freed me from; and also so that if I ever saw some other woman who was, I wouldn't be shocked, but would take pity on her and know how to console her.17 Well, once this was over, wanting to rest a little after the meal (because I had hardly settled all that night, and on some other nights I hadn't stopped having work and worry either, and every day thoroughly tired), since what had been done had become known in my monastery and in the city, there was a great uproar in it, for the reasons I've already given, which seemed to have some color of justification. Then the prioress sent orders that I was to go there at once.18 As soon as I saw her command, I left my nuns deeply distressed, and went at once. I saw clearly that plenty of troubles were going to come my way, but since it was already done, I cared very little. I prayed, asking the Lord to help me, and my father Saint Joseph to bring me to his house, and I offered him what I was going to go through; and very glad if something should arise in which I might suffer for Him and be able to serve Him, I went, believing they would throw me into the prison cell at once — but as it seemed to me, that would have given me great happiness, so I wouldn't have to speak to anyone and could rest a little in solitude, which I badly needed, because so much going about with people had worn me out.19 When I arrived and gave my account to the prioress, she calmed down somewhat, and they all sent word to the provincial, and the case was left to be heard before him; and when he came, I went to judgment with very great happiness at seeing that I was suffering something for the Lord, because I found I had offended neither His Majesty nor the Order in anything in this case — rather, I was trying to build it up with all my strength, and would gladly have died for it, for all my desire was that it be carried out in complete perfection.20 I remembered the judgment of Christ, and I saw how that one was nothing at all. I admitted my fault as someone deeply to blame, and that's how it looked to anyone who didn't know all the reasons.21 After he'd given me a severe reprimand—though not with as much rigor as the offense deserved, or as what many were saying to the provincial—I didn't want to excuse myself, because I'd gone determined on that; instead I asked him to forgive me and punish me, and not to be displeased with me.22 In some things I could clearly see they were condemning me for no fault of my own, because they said I had done it so they would think something of me, and to make a name for myself, and other things like that; but in others I clearly understood they were telling the truth—that I was worse than others, and that since I hadn't kept the great religious discipline observed in that house, as I meant to keep it in another with greater rigor, I was scandalizing the town and introducing novel practices.23 None of it caused me any turmoil or distress, though I showed that it did, so it wouldn't seem I thought little of what they were saying. Finally, he ordered me to explain myself before the nuns, and I had to do it. Since I had peace within me and the Lord was helping me, I gave my account in such a way that neither the provincial nor those present found anything to condemn me for. Afterward I spoke to him more openly in private, and he was very satisfied. He promised me that if things moved forward, once the city had settled down, he would give me permission to go to him, because the uproar throughout the whole city was as great as I'll now describe.24
Opposition and Divine Support
The city council and religious orders oppose the foundation, a lawsuit begins, but Teresa receives divine reassurance and support from friends.
Within two or three days, some of the aldermen and the corregidor, along with members of the cathedral chapter, met together, and they all said that it must not be allowed under any circumstances; that clear harm was coming to the commonwealth, that they would have to remove the Most Holy Sacrament, and that they would by no means put up with the project going forward. They had all the religious Orders assembled so that each might give its opinion, with two learned men from each Order. Some kept silent; others condemned it. In the end they concluded that it should be undone at once. Only one presentado from the Order of Saint Dominic (though he was opposed—not to the monastery itself, but to its being poor) said that this was not something that should be undone that way: that they should look into it carefully, that there was time for that, that this was a matter for the bishop—or words to that effect—which did a great deal of good; because, given the fury of the moment, they decided not to put it into effect at once. In the end, it had to be, because the Lord was served by it, and everyone could do little against His will: they gave their reasons and acted with good zeal, and so without themselves offending God they made me suffer, and all the people who favored it—there were some—and they endured a great deal of persecution. The uproar among the people was so great that they talked about nothing else, and everyone condemned me. and to go to the provincial and to my monastery.25 I had no distress over whatever they said about me—no more than if they hadn't said it—only fear that this would be undone: that caused me great distress, and seeing that the people who were helping me were losing their standing, and the great hardship they were going through; as for what they said about me, it seems to me I was almost glad. And if I had had some faith, I would have had no disturbance at all—but falling short in one virtue is enough to put all the others to sleep. And so I was deeply distressed those two days when these meetings, as I say, were held in the town; and when I was thoroughly worn out, the Lord said to me, "Don't you know that I am powerful?"26 What are you afraid of? And He assured me that it would not be undone: with that I was left greatly consoled. They sent their information to the Royal Council; an order came requiring a report on how it had been done.27 A major lawsuit had begun, and since the case moved from the city to the court, someone had to represent the monastery. We had no money, and I didn't know what to do. The Lord provided, however, because my provincial father never ordered me to stop handling the matter. He is so devoted to every virtue that, even though he wasn't helping, he didn't want to stand in the way. He wouldn't give me permission to come here until he saw how things turned out. These servants of God were on their own, and they accomplished more through their prayers than I did with all my running around, even though a great deal of diligence was required. Sometimes it felt like everything was falling apart, especially one day before the provincial arrived, when the prioress ordered me not to deal with anything at all—which meant dropping the whole matter.28 I went to God and said to Him: Lord, this house is not mine; it was built through You. Now that there is no one else to handle the business, let Your Majesty take care of it. I was left so at rest and so free of distress, as if I had the whole world working on my behalf, and I considered the matter secure immediately.29 A great servant of God — a priest who had always helped me, and a friend of every kind of perfection — went to the court to take charge of the business, and he worked hard; and the holy gentleman I've mentioned did a very great deal in this matter and favored it in every way. He went through plenty of hardships and persecution, and through it all I always regarded him as a father, and I still do now; and in those who helped us the Lord put such fervor that each one took the matter as something so entirely his own, as if his life and honor hung on it — and nothing more was at stake for them than that it seemed to them a work by which the Lord was served. It was clear that His Majesty was helping the master I mentioned — a cleric who also helped me a great deal — whom the bishop put forward on his behalf at a large meeting that was held; and he stood alone against everyone, and in the end he calmed them by proposing certain measures, which was enough to hold the matter off for a while; but nothing was enough to keep them from then staking their lives, as they say, on undoing it. This servant of God I'm speaking of was the one who gave the habits and placed the Most Holy Sacrament, and he faced plenty of persecution. This bombardment lasted almost half a year; to describe in detail the great hardships they endured would take too long.
The Temptation of Income
To appease opposition, some suggest accepting an income, but the Lord and St. Peter of Alcántara forbid it, and Teresa obeys.
I was astonished at what the devil was setting against a few little women, and at how it seemed to everyone that only twelve women and the prioress—and there were not to be any more (I say this of those who opposed it)—living such a strict life was a great harm to the town; for even if it were harm or a mistake, that falls on themselves—but harm to the place. That didn't seem to make sense, and they found so many reasons that with a clear conscience they opposed it. They finally came and said that if it had an income, they would go along with it, and that it should go forward.30 I was already so tired of seeing the hardship of all those who were helping me—more than of my own—that it seemed to me it wouldn't be wrong, until things settled down, to take an income and give it up afterward. And other times, being so wretched and imperfect, it seemed to me that perhaps the Lord wanted it, since without it we couldn't carry the thing through—and I was already coming around to this arrangement.31 The night before the matter was to be discussed, while I was in prayer (and the arrangement had already been started), the Lord told me not to do any such thing—that if we began to have an income, they wouldn't let us give it up afterward—and some other things as well. That same night the holy friar Peter of Alcántara appeared to me—he was already dead; and before he died he had written me that when he learned of the great opposition and persecution we were under, he was glad the foundation was meeting with such fierce opposition, for it was a sign the Lord meant to be served very greatly in this monastery, since the devil was putting so much into keeping it from being done; and that I should in no way agree to having an income. And even two or three times he urged me in the letter, and that if I did this, everything would come about as I wanted.32 I had already seen him two other times after he died, and the great glory he had; and so he didn't frighten me—on the contrary, I was very glad; because he always appeared as a glorified body, full of great glory, and seeing him gave me the most immense glory. I remember that the first time I saw him he told me, among other things—telling me how much he was enjoying—what a blessed penance the one he had done had been, that he had gained so great a reward! Because I think I've already said something about this, I won't say more here than that this time he showed me severity, and only told me that I should in no way take an income, and that this was because I didn't want to take his advice—and then he disappeared.33 I was left astonished, and then the next day I told the gentleman (who was the one I turned to in everything, as the one doing the most in the matter) what was going on, and that he should in no way arrange for us to have an income, but that the lawsuit should go forward. He was already much firmer on this than I was, and he was very glad; afterward he told me how reluctantly he had been talking about the arrangement.
Final Establishment and Visions
Through the help of a Dominican, Teresa gets permission to join the nuns, and receives visions of Christ crowning her and Our Lady sheltering the community.
Afterward, another person came forward—a true servant of God, with good zeal. Since things were already in good shape, she said the matter should be put in the hands of learned men. Here I had no end of unrest, because some of those who were helping me came around to this; and this tangle the devil spun was the hardest of all to stomach.34 In everything the Lord helped me; put briefly like this, you can't really make clear what went on in the two years from when this house was begun until it was finished. This last stretch, and the first, were the hardest work of all. So once the city had calmed down a little, the Dominican Presentado father who was helping us managed so skillfully—though he wasn't there at the time; but the Lord had brought him earlier, at a moment when he did us a great deal of good, and it seemed His Majesty had brought him for this purpose alone. He told me afterward that he hadn't had any reason to come, except that somehow he had found out about it.35 He stayed as long as needed. Going back again, he arranged through various channels for our father provincial to give us permission for me to come to this house with a few others—which seemed almost impossible to grant so quickly—to celebrate the Office and teach the women who were already there. The day we came was a very great consolation for me. While I was praying in the church, before I entered the monastery, almost in rapture, I saw Christ, who with great love seemed to receive me and place a crown on me, thanking me for what I had done for His Mother. Another time, while we were all in the choir at prayer after Compline, I saw Our Lady in the greatest glory, with a white mantle, and beneath it she seemed to be sheltering us all: I understood how high a degree of glory the Lord would give to those of this house. Once we had begun to observe the Office, people began to feel great devotion toward this house: more nuns were admitted, and the Lord began to move those who had most persecuted us to greatly favor us and give alms; and so they approved what they had so strongly condemned, and little by little they dropped the lawsuit, and said they now understood it was God's work, since His Majesty had willed it to go forward despite so much opposition. And now there is no one who thinks it would have been right to leave it undone; and so they take such care to provide us with alms that, without any collection being taken up or anyone being asked, the Lord moves them to send us alms, and we get by without lacking what we need, and I hope in the Lord it will always be so; for, since they are few, if they do what they should—as His Majesty now gives them grace to do—I am sure they will not lack, nor will they need to be tiresome or importune anyone, for the Lord will take care of them as He has until now, which is a very great comfort to me, to see myself here among souls so detached.36 Their concern is to understand how they will go forward in God's service.37 Solitude is their comfort, and the thought of seeing anyone who isn't there to help kindle them further in love for their Spouse is a hardship for them, even if they are very close relatives. And so no one comes to this house except someone who deals with this, because otherwise such visitors do not please them, nor do they please such visitors: their only language is talking about God, and so they understand no one, and no one understands them, except someone who speaks the same.38 We keep the Rule of Our Lady of Mount Carmel, and we keep it without relaxation, just as Friar Hugh, Cardinal of Santa Sabina, ordered it—which was given in the year M.39 CC.40
The Rule and Other Foundations
Teresa describes the observance of the primitive Carmelite Rule and mentions another foundation in Alcalá.
XLVIII years, in the fifth year of the pontificate of Pope Innocent IV.41 It seems to me that all the hardships we've gone through will be well spent. Now, although the Rule has some austerity—since meat is only eaten when necessary, there's an eight-month fast, and other practices you can see in that same first Rule—in many respects the sisters still don't find it enough, and they keep other observances that have seemed necessary to us in order to follow this Rule with greater perfection; and I hope in the Lord that what has been begun will go very far, as His Majesty has told me. The other house that the holy woman I mentioned was trying to found also received the Lord's favor, and it now stands established in Alcalá; and it didn't come without plenty of opposition, nor did it avoid great hardships.42 I know that the entire religious life is observed there, according to this first Rule of ours. May it please the Lord that everything be for His glory and praise, and for that of the glorious Virgin Mary, whose habit we wear. Amen.
Exhortation and Final Advice
Teresa asks that this account be kept for the sisters, exhorts them to maintain perfection, and advises on the number and spirit of the community.
I think you'll be annoyed by the long account I've given of this monastery, and yet it falls far short of the many hardships and wonders the Lord has worked in this—there are many witnesses who can swear to it. So I ask you, for the love of God, that if you should decide to tear up the rest of what is written here, you keep what concerns this monastery, and when I am dead give it to the sisters who were here. It will greatly encourage those who come after to serve God, and to see that what was begun does not fall away but always goes forward, when they see how much His Majesty put into founding it through so worthless and lowly a thing as I am. And since the Lord has been so particularly pleased to show His favor so that this house might be founded, it seems to me that any sister who begins to relax the perfection the Lord has begun and favored here will do great harm and will be severely punished by God—a perfection meant to be kept with such gentleness that you can see plainly it is bearable and can be lived with ease, and that there is every provision for living always in it for those who want, in solitude, to enjoy their Spouse, Christ. That is always what they must aim at: alone with Him alone, and no more than thirteen in number. I know from many opinions that this is fitting, and I have seen by experience that to keep the spirit that is kept here, and to live on alms without going out to beg, more than that cannot be sustained.43 And always put more trust in the one who, through much hard work and the prayer of many people, sought out what would be better: and from the great contentment and joy and little hardship that we see all the sisters enjoying in these years since we've been in this house — and with much better health than they used to have — it will be clear that this is what is fitting.44 And if anyone finds it harsh, let her put the blame on her own lack of spirit, and not on what is kept here — for delicate and unhealthy people, because they have that spirit, can bear it with such ease; and let them go to another monastery, where they'll be saved according to their own spirit.45
Read the original Spanish
Prosigue en la materia comenzada, y dice como se acabó de concluir, y se fundó este monesterio del glorioso San Josef, y las grandes contradiciones y persecuciones, que, despues de tomar hábito las religiosas, hubo, y los grandes trabajos y tentaciones que ella pasó, y cómo de todo la sacó el Señor con vitoria, y en gloria y alabanza suya.
Partida ya de aquella ciudad, venia muy contenta por el camino, determinándome á pasar todo lo que el Señor fuese servido, muy con toda voluntad. La noche mesma que llegué á esta tierra, llegó nuestro despacho para el monesterio, y Breve de Roma, que yo me espanté, y se espantaron los que sabian la priesa que me habia dado el Señor á la venida, cuando supieron la gran necesidad que había de ello, y á la coyuntura que el Señor me traia; porque hallé aquí al obispo, y al santo fray Pedro de Alcántara, y á otro caballero muy siervo de Dios, en cuya casa este santo hombre posaba, que era persona adonde los siervos de Dios hallaban espaldas y cabida. Entramos á dos acabaron con el obispo admitiese el monesterio; que no fué poco, por ser pobre, sino que era tan amigo de personas, que via ansí determinadas á servir al Señor, que luego se aficionó á favorecerle; y el aprobarlo este santo viejo, y poner mucho con unos y con otros, en que nos ayudasen, fué el que lo hizo todo. Si no viniera á esta coyuntura, como ya he dicho, no puedo entender cómo pudiera hacerse, porque estuvo poco aquí este santo hombre (que no creo fueron ocho dias, y esos muy enfermo) y desde ha muy poco le llevó el Señor consigo. Parece que le habia guardado su Majestad hasta acabar este negocio, que habia muchos dias, no sé si mas de dos años, que andaba muy malo.
Todo se hizo debajo de gran secreto, porque á no ser ansí, no sé si pudiera hacer nada, sigun el pueblo estaba mal con ello, como se pareció despues. Ordenó el Señor, que estuviese malo un cuñado mio, y su mujer no aquí, y en tanta necesidad, que me dieron licencia para estar con él, y con esta ocasion no se entendió nada, aunque en algunas personas no dejaba de sospecharse algo, mas aun no lo creian. Fué cosa para espantar, y que no estuvo mas malo de lo que fué menester para el negocio, y, en siendo menester tuviese salud, para que yo me desocupase y él dejase desembarazada la casa, se la dió luego el Señor, que él estaba maravillado. Pasé harto trabajo en procurar con unos y con otros que se admitiese, y con el enfermo, y con oficiales, para que se acabase la casa á mucha priesa, para que tuviese forma de monesterio; que faltaba mucho de acabarse; y mi compañera no estaba aquí, que nos pareció era mijor estar ausente, para mas disimular, y yo via que iba el todo en la brevedad por muchas causas; y la una era, porque cada hora temia me habian de mandar ir. Fueron tantas las cosas de trabajos que tuve, que me hizo pensar si era esta la cruz; aunque todavia me parecia era poco para la gran cruz, que yo habia entendido de el Señor, habia de pasar.
Pues todo concertado, fué el Señor servido, que dia de san Bartolomé tomaron hábito algunas, y se puso el Santísimo Sacramento; con toda autoridad y fuerza quedó hecho nuestro monesterio del gloriosísimo padre nuestro San Josef, año de mil y quinientos y sesenta y dos. Estuve yo á darles el hábito, y otras dos monjas de nuestra casa mesma, que acertaron á estar fuera. Como en esta, que se hizo el monesterio, era la que estaba mi cuñado (que como he dicho, la habia él comprado por disimular mijor el negocio) con licencia estaba yo en ella, y no hacia cosa que no fuese con parecer de letrados, para no ir un punto contra obediencia, y como vian ser muy provechoso para toda la Orden, por muchas causas, que aunque iba con secreto y guardándome no lo supiesen mis perlados, me decian lo podia hacer, porque por muy poca imperfecion que me dijeran era, mil monesterios me parece dejara, cuanti mas uno. Esto es cierto, porque aunque lo deseaba, por apartarme mas de todo, y llevar mi profesion y llamamiento con mas perfecion y encerramiento, de tal manera lo deseaba, que cuando entendiera era mas servicio del Señor dejarlo todo, lo hiciera, como lo hice la otra vez, con todo sosiego y paz. Pues fué para mí como estar en una gloria, ver poner el Santísimo Sacramento, y que se remediaron cuatro huérfanas pobres, porque no se tomaban con dote, y grandes siervas de Dios; que esto se pretendió al principio, que entrasen personas, que con su ejemplo fuesen fundamento, para que se pudiese el intento que llevábamos de mucha perfecion y oracion efetuar, y hecha una obra, que tenia entendido era para el servicio de el Señor, y honra del hábito de su gloriosa Madre, que estas eran mis ansias.
Y tambien me dió gran consuelo de haber hecho lo que tanto el Señor me habia mandado, y otra iglesia mas, en este lugar, de mi padre glorioso san Josef, que no la habia. No porque á mí me pareciese habia hecho en ello nada, que nunca me lo parecia ni parece, siempre entiendo lo hacia el Señor; y lo que era de mi parte, iba con tantas imperfeciones, que antes veo habia que me culpar, que no que me agradecer: mas érame gran regalo, ver que hubiese su Majestad tomádome por instrumento, siendo tan ruin, para tan grande obra; ansí que estuve con tan gran contento, que estaba como fuera de mí con gran oracion.
Acabado todo, seria como desde á tres ú cuatro horas, me revolvió el demonio una batalla espiritual, como ahora diré. Púsome delante, si habia sido mal hecho lo que habia hecho, si iba contra obediencia en haberlo procurado, sin que me lo mandase el provincial, que bien me parecia á mí le habia de ser algun desgusto, á causa de sujetarle al ordinario, por no se lo haber primero dicho; aunque como él no le habia querido admitir, y yo no la mudaba, tambien me parecia no se le daria nada por otra parte; y si habian de tener contento las que aquí estaban con tanta estréchura, si les habia de faltar de comer, si habia sido disbarate, que quien me metia en esto, pues yo tenia monesterio. Todo lo que el Señor me habia mandado, y los muchos pareceres y oraciones, que habia mas de dos años que casi no cesaban, todo tan quitado de mi memoria, como si nunca hubiera sido: solo de mi parecer me acordaba, y todas las virtudes y la fe estaban en mí entonces suspendidas, sin tener yo fuerza para que ninguna obrase, ni me defendiese de tantos golpes. Tambien me ponia el demonio, que como me queria encerrar en casa tan estrecha, y con tantas enfermedades, que como habia de poder sufrir tanta penitencia, y dejaba casa tan grande y deleitosa, y adonde tan contenta siempre habia estado, y tantas amigas; que quizá las de acá no serian á mi gusto, que me habia obligado á mucho, que quizá estaria desesperada, y que por ventura habia pretendido esto el demonio para quitarme la paz y quietud, y que ansí no podria tener oracion, estando desasosegada, y perderia el alma. Cosas de esta hechura juntas me ponia delante, que no era en mi mano pensar en otra cosa; y con esto una aflicion y escuridad y tinieblas en el alma, que yo no lo sé encarecer. De que me ví ansí, fuime á ver el Santísimo Sacramento, aunque encomendarme á El no podia: paréceme estaba con una congoja, como quien está en agonía de muerte. Tratarlo con nadie no habia de osar, porque aun confesor no tenia señalado.
¡Oh válame Dios, y que vida esta tan miserable! No hay contento siguro, ni cosa sin mudanza. Habia tan poquito, que no me parece trocára mi contento con ninguno de la tierra, y la mesma causa de él me atormentaba ahora de tal suerte, que no sabia que hacer de mí. ¡Oh si mirásemos con advertencia las cosas de nuestra vida, cada uno veria por espiriencia en lo poco que se ha de tener contento, ni descontento de ella! Es cierto, que me parece que fué uno de los recios ratos que he pasado en mi vida: parece que adivinaba el espíritu lo mucho que estaba por pasar, aunque no llegó á ser tanto como esto si durára. Mas no dejó el Señor padecer á su pobre sierva, porque nunca en las tribulaciones me dejó de socorrer; y ansí fué en esta, que me dió un poco de luz para ver que era demonio, y para que pudiese entender la verdad, y que todo era quererme espantar con mentiras: y ansí comencé á acordarme de mis grandes determinaciones de servir al Señor, y deseos de padecer por El, y pensé que si habia de cumplirlos, que no habia de andar á procurar descanso, y que si tuviese trabajos, que eso era el merecer, y si descontento, como lo tomase por servir á Dios, me serviria de purgatorio: que ¿de qué temia? que pues deseaba trabajos, que buenos eran estos, que en la mayor contradicion estaba la ganancia, que porque me habia de faltar ánimo para servir á quien tanto debia. Con estas y otras consideraciones, haciéndome gran fuerza, prometí delante del Santísimo Sacramento de hacer todo lo que pudiese para tener licencia de venirme á esta casa, y en pudiéndolo hacer con buena conciencia, prometer clausura.
En haciendo esto, en un instante huyó el demonio, y me dejó sosegada y contenta, y lo quedé y lo he estado siempre, y todo lo que en esta casa se guarda de encerramiento, penitencia y lo demás, se me hace en estremo suave y poco.
El contento es tan grandísimo, que pienso yo algunas veces, ¿qué pudiera escoger en la tierra que fuera mas sabroso? No sé si es esto parte para tener mucha mas salud que nunca, ó querer el Señor, por ser menester y razon que haga lo que todas, darme este consuelo, que pueda hacerlo, aunque con trabajo; mas de el poder se espantan todas las personas que saben mis enfermedades.
Bendito sea El que todo lo da y en cuyo poder se puede.
Quedé bien cansada de tal contienda, y riéndome de el demonio, que ví claro ser él. Creo lo primitió el Señor, porque yo nunca supe que cosa era descontento de ser monja, ni un momento, en veinte y ocho años y mas, que ha que lo soy, para que entendiese la merced grande, que en esto me habia hecho, y de el tormento que me habia librado; y tambien para que si alguna viese lo estaba, no me espantase, y me apiadase de ella, y la supiese consolar. Pues pasado esto, queriendo despues de comer descansar un poco (porque en toda la noche no habia casi sosegado, ni en otras algunas dejado de tener trabajo y cuidado, y todos los dias bien cansada), como se habia sabido en mi monesterio y en la ciudad lo que estaba hecho, habia en él mucho alboroto, por las causas que ya he dicho, que parecia llevaban algun color. Luego la perlada me envió á mandar, que á la hora me fuese allá. Yo en viendo su mandamiento, dejo mis monjas harto penadas, y voyme luego. Bien vi que se me habian de ofrecer hartos trabajos, mas como ya quedaba hecho, muy poco se me daba. Hice oracion, suplicando al Señor me favoreciese, y á mi padre san José que me trajese á su casa, y ofrecíle lo que habia de pasar; y muy contenta se ofreciese algo en que yo padeciese por El, y le pudiese servir, me fuí, con tener creido luego me habian de echar en la cárcel: mas, á mi parecer, me diera mucho contento, por no hablar á nadie, y descansar un poco en soledad, de lo que yo estaba bien necesitada, porque me traia molida tanto andar con gente. Como llegué, y dí mi discuento á la perlada, aplacóse algo, y todas enviaron al provincial, y quedóse la causa para delante de él; y venido, fuí á juicio, con harto gran contento de ver que padecia algo por el Señor, porque contra su Majestad, ni la Orden, no hallaba haber ofendido nada en este caso, antes procuraba aumentarla con todas mis fuerzas, y muriera de buena gana por ello, que todo mi deseo era que se cumpliese con toda perfecion.
Acordéme del juicio de Cristo, y ví cuan no nada era aquel. Hice mi culpa, como muy culpada, y ansí lo parecia á quien no sabia todas las causas. Despues de haberme hecho una grande repreension, aunque no con tanto rigor como merecia el delito, y lo que muchos decian al provincial, yo no quisiera disculparme, porque iba determinada á ello; antes pedí me perdonase y castigase, y no estuviese desabrido conmigo.
En algunas cosas bien via yo me condenaban sin culpa, porque me decian lo habia hecho porque me tuviesen en algo, y por ser nombrada, y otras semejantes; mas en otras claro entendia, que decian verdad, en que era yo mas ruin que otras, y que pues no habia guardado la mucha religion que se llevaba en aquella casa, como pensaba guardarla en otra con mas rigor, que escandalizaba el pueblo y levantaba cosas nuevas. Todo no me hacia ningun alboroto ni pena, aunque yo mostraba tenerla, porque no pareciese tenia en poco lo que me decian.
En fin, me mandó delante de las monjas diese discuento y húbelo de hacer: como yo tenia quietud en mí, y me ayudaba el Señor, dí mi discuento de manera, que no halló el provincial, ni las que allí estaban, por qué me condenar; y despues á solas le hablé mas claro, y quedó muy satisfecho, y prometióme, si fuese adelante, en sosegándose la ciudad, de darme licencia que me fuese á él, porque el alboroto de toda la ciudad era tan grande, como ahora diré.
Desde á dos ó tres dias, juntáronse algunos de los regidores y corregidor, y de el cabildo, y todos juntos dijeron, que en ninguna manera se habia de consentir; que venia conocido daño á la república, y que habian de quitar el Santísimo Sacramento, y que en ninguna manera sufririan pasase adelante. Hicieron juntar todas las Ordenes, para que digan su parecer, de cada una dos letrados. Unos callaban, otros condenaban, en fin concluyeron, que luego se deshiciese. Solo un presentado de la Orden de santo Domingo (aunque era contrario, no del monasterio, sino de que fuese pobre) dijo, que no era cosa, que ansí se habia de deshacer: que se mirase bien, que tiempo habia para ello, que este era caso del obispo, ó cosas de esta arte, que hizo mucho provecho; porque, segun la furia, fué dicha no lo poner luego por obra.
Era en fin, que habia de ser, que era el Señor servido de ello, y podian todos poco contra su voluntad: daban sus razones y llevaban buen celo, y ansí sin ofender ellos á Dios hacíanme padecer, y á todas las personas que lo favorecian, que eran algunas, y pasaron mucha persecucion. Era tanto el alboroto del pueblo, que no se hablaba en otra cosa, y todos condenarme. é ir al provincial y á mi monesterio. Yo ninguna pena tenia de cuanto decian de mí, mas que sino lo dijeran, sino temor si se habia de deshacer: esto me daba gran pena, y ver que perdian crédito las personas que me ayudaban, y el mucho trabajo que pasaban, que de lo que decian de mí, antes me parece me holgaba: y, si tuviera alguna fe, ninguna alteracion tuviera, sino que faltar algo en una virtud, basta á adormecerlas todas: y ansí estuve muy penada los dos dias que hubo estas juntas, que digo, en el pueblo, y estando bien fatigada, me dijo el Señor— ¿No sabes que soy poderoso? ¿de qué temes? y me aseguró que no se desharia: con esto quedé muy consolada. Enviaron al Consejo Real con su informaeion, vino provision para que se diese relacion de cómo se habia hecho.
Héle aquí comenzado un gran pleito, porque de la ciudad fueron á la corte, y hubieron de ir de parte del monesterio, y no habia dineros, ni yo sabia qué hacer: proveyólo el Señor, que nunca mi padre provincial me mandó dejase de entender en ello; porque es tan amigo de toda virtud, que aunque no ayudaba, no queria ser contra ello: no me dió licencia, hasta ver en lo que paraba, para venir acá. Estas siervas de Dios estaban solas, y hacian mas con sus oraciones, que con cuanto yo andaba negociando, aunque fué menester harta diligencia. Algunas veces parecia que todo faltaba, en especial un dia antes que viniese el provincial, que me mandó la priora no tratase en nada y era dejarse todo. Yo me fuí á Dios y díjele—Señor, esta casa no es mia, por Vos se ha hecho: ahora, que no hay nadie que negocie, hágalo vuestra Majestad. Quedaba tan descansada y tan sin pena, como si tuviera á todo el mundo que negociára por mí, y luego tenia por siguro el negocio.
Un muy siervo de Dios, sacerdote, que siempre me habia ayudado, amigo de toda perfecion, fué á la corte á entender en el negocio, y trabajaba mucho; y el caballero santo, de quien he hecho mencion, hacia en este caso muy mucho, y de todas maneras lo favorecia. Pasó hartos trabajos y persecucion, y siempre en todo le tenia por padre, y aun ahora le tengo: y en los que nos ayudaban ponia el Señor tanto hervor, que cada uno lo tomaba por cosa tan propia suya, como si en ello les fuera la vida y la honra, y no les iba mas de ser cosa en que á ellos les parecia se servia el Señor. Pareció claro ayudar su Majestad al maestro, que he dicho, clérigo, que tambien era de los que mucho me ayudaban, á quien el obispo puso de su parte en una junta grande que se hizo, y él estaba solo contra todos, y en fin los aplacó con decirles ciertos medios, que fué harto para que se entretuviese: mas ninguno bastaba para que luego no tornasen á poner la vida, como dicen, en deshacerle. Este siervo de Dios, que digo, fué quien dió los hábitos, y puso el Santísimo Sacramento, y se vió en harta persecucion. Duró esta batería casi medio año, que decir los grandes trabajos, que se pasaron, por menudo, seria largo.
Espantábame yo de lo que ponia el demonio contra unas mujercitas, y como les parecia á todos era gran daño para el lugar solas doce mujeres y la priora, que no han de ser mas (digo á los que lo contradecian) y de vida tan estrecha; que ya que fuera daño ó yerro, es para sí mesmas: mas daño á el. lugar, no parece llevaba camino, y ellos hallaban tantos, que con buena conciencia lo contradecian. Ya vinieron á decir, que como tuviese renta pasarian por ello, y que fuese adelante. Yo estaba ya tan cansada de ver el trabajo de todos los que me ayudaban, mas que del mio, que me parecia no seria malo, hasta que se sosegasen, tener renta, y dejarla despues. Y otras veces como ruin é imperfeta, me parecia, que por ventura lo queria el Señor, pues sin ella no podiamos salir con ello, y venia ya en este concierto.
Estando la noche antes, que se habia de tratar, en oracion (y ya se habia comenzado el concierto) díjome el Señor, que no hiciese tal, que si comenzásemos á tener renta, que no nos dejarian despues que la dejásemos, y otras algunas cosas. La mesma noche me apareció el santo fray Pedro de Alcántara, que era ya muerto; y antes que muriese me escribió como supo la gran contradicion y persecucion, que teniamos, se holgaba fuese la fundacion con contradicion tan grande, que era señal se habia el Señor de servir muy mucho en este monesterio, pues el demonio tanto ponia en que no se hiciese, y que en ninguna manera viniese en tener renta. Y aun dos ó tres veces me persuadió en la carta, y que, como esto hiciese, ello vernia á hacerse todo como yo queria. Ya yo le habia visto otras dos veces despues que murió, y la gran gloria que tenia; y ansí no me hizo temor, antes me holgué mucho; porque siempre aparecia como cuerpo glorificado, lleno de mucha gloria, y dábamela muy grandísima verle. Acuérdome que me dijo la primera vez que le ví, entre otras cosas, diciéndome lo mucho que gozaba, ¡que dichosa penitencia habia sido la que habia hecho, que tanto premio habia alcanzado! Porque ya creo tengo dicho algo de esto, no digo aquí mas de como esta vez me mostró rigor, y solo me dijo, que en ninguna manera tomase renta, y que porque no queria tomar su consejo, y desapareció luego. Yo quedé espantada, y luego otro dia dije al caballero (que era á quien en todo acudia, como el que mas en ello hacia) lo que pasaba, y que no se concertase en ninguna manera tener renta, sino que fuese adelante el pleito. El estaba en esto mucho mas fuerte que yo, y holgóse mucho: despues me dijo cuán de mala gana hablaba en el concierto.
Despues se tornó á levantar otra persona, y sierva de Dios harto, y con buen celo: ya que estaba en buenos términos, decia se pusiese en manos de letrados. Aquí tuve hartos desasosiegos; porque algunos de los que me ayudaban venian en esto, y fué esta maraña que hizo el demonio, de la mas mala digestion de todas. En todo me ayudó el Señor, que ansí dicho en suma no se puede bien dar á entender lo que se pasó en dos años que se estuvo comenzada esta casa, hasta que se acabó: este medio postrero, y lo primero, fué lo mas trabajoso. Pues aplacada ya algo la ciudad, diose tan buena maña el padre presentado dominico que nos ayudaba, aunque no estaba presente; mas habíale traido el Señor á un tiempo, que nos hizo harto bien, y pareció haberle su Majestad para solo este fin traido, que me dijo él despues, que no habia tenido para qué venir, sino que acaso lo habia sabido. Estuvo lo que fué menester: tornando á ir, procuró por algunas vias, que nos diese licencia nuestro padre provincial para venir yo á esta casa con otras algunas conmigo (que parecia casi imposible darla tan en breve) para hacer el oficio, y enseñar á las que estaban: fué grandísimo consuelo para mí el dia que venimos. Estando haciendo oracion en la iglesia, antes que entrase en el monesterio, estando casi en arrobamiento, ví á Cristo, que con grande amor me pareció me recibia, y ponia una corona, y agradeciéndome lo que habia hecho por su Madre.
Otra vez estando todas en el coro en oracion, despues de Completas, ví á nuestra Señora con grandísima gloria, con manto blanco, y debajo de él parecia ampararnos á todas: entendí cuán alto grado de gloria daria el Señor á las de esta casa. Comenzado á hacer el oficio, era mucha la devocion que el pueblo comenzó á tener con esta casa: tomáronse mas monjas, y comenzó el Señor á mover á los que mas nos habian perseguido, para que mucho nos favoreciesen, y hiciesen limosna, y ansi aprobaban lo que tanto habían reprobado, y poco á poco se dejaron del pleito, y decian que ya entendian ser obra de Dios, pues con tanta contradicion su Majestad habia querido fuese adelante. Y no hay al presente nadie, que le parezca fuera acertado dejarse de hacer, y ansí tienen tanta cuenta con proveernos de limosna, que sin haber demanda, ni pedir á nadie, los despierta el Señor, para que nos la envien, y pasamos sin que nos falte lo necesario, y espero en el Señor será ansí siempre; que, como son pocas, si hacen lo que deben, como su Majestad ahora les da gracia para hacerlo, sigura estoy que no les faltará, ni habrán menester ser cansosas, ni importunar á nadie, que el Señor se terná cuidado como hasta aquí, que es para mi grandísimo consuelo de verme aquí metida con almas tan desasidas. Su trato es entender como irán adelante en el servicio de Dios. La soledad es su consuelo, y pensar de ver á nadie, que no sea para ayudarlas á encender mas en el amor de su Esposo, les es trabajo, aunque sean muy deudos. Y ansí no viene nadie á esta casa, sino quien trata de esto, porque ni las contenta, ni los contentan: no es su lenguaje otro sino hablar de Dios, y ansí no entienden, ni las entiende, sino quien habla el mesmo. Guardamos la regla de nuestra Señora del Cármen, y cumplida esta sin relajacion, sino como la ordenó fray Hugo cardenal de Santa Sabina, que fué dado á M. CC.
XLVIII años, en el año quinto del pontificado del papa Innocencio Quarto. Me parece serán bien empleados todos los trabajos que se han pasado. Ahora aunque tiene algun rigor, porque no se come jamás carne sin necesidad, y ayuno de ocho meses, y otras cosas, como se vé en la mesma primera regla, en muchas aun se les hace poco á las hermanas, y guardan otras cosas, que para cumplir esta con mas perfecion, nos han parecido necesarias, y espero en el Señor ha de ir muy adelante lo comenzado, como su Majestad me lo ha dicho. La otra casa, que la beata que dije procuraba hacer, tambien la favoreció el Señor, y está hecha en Alcalá, y no le faltó harta contradicion, ni dejó de pasar trabajos grandes. Sé que se guarda en ella toda religion, conforme á esta primera regla nuestra. Plega al Señor sea todo para gloria y alabanza suya, y de la gloriosa Virgen María, cuyo hábito traemos: amen.
Creo se enfadará vuesa merced de la larga relacion que he dado de este monesterio, y va muy corta para los muchos trabajos y maravillas; que el Señor en esto ha obrado, que hay de ello muchos testigos que lo podrán jurar; y ansí pido yo á vuesa merced, por amor de Dios, que si le pareciere romper lo demás que aquí va escrito, lo que toca á este monesterio vuesa merced lo guarde, y muerta yo lo de á las hermanas que aquí estuvieron, que animará mucho para servir á Dios las que vinieren, y á procurar no caya lo comenzado, sino que vaya siempre adelante, cuando vean lo mucho que puso su Majestad en hacerla, por medio de cosa tan ruin y baja como yo. Y pues el Señor tan particularmente se ha querido mostrar en favorecer, para que se hiciese, paréceme á mí que hará mucho mal, y será muy castigada de Dios, la que comenzáre á relajar la perfecion, que aquí el Señor ha comenzado y favorecido, para que se lleve con tanta suavidad, que se ve muy bien es tolerable, y se puede llevar con descanso, y el gran aparejo que hay para vivir siempre en él, las que á solas quisieren gozar de su esposo Cristo; que esto es siempre lo que han de pretender, y solas con El solo, y no ser mas de trece: porque esto tengo por muchos pareceres sabido que conviene, y visto por espiriencia, que para llevar el espíritu, que se lleva, y vivir de limosna y sin demanda, no se sufre mas.
Y siempre crean mas á quien con trabajos muchos, y oracion de muchas personas, procuró lo que seria mijor: y en el gran contento y alegria y poco trabajo, que en estos años, que há que estamos en esta casa, vemos tener todas, y con mucha mas salud que solian, se verá ser esto lo que conviene. Y quien le pareciere áspero, eche la culpa á su falta de espíritu, y no á lo que aquí se guarda, pues personas delicadas y no sanas, porque le tienen, con tanta suav dad lo pueden llevar; y váyanse a otro monesterio, adonde se salvarán conforme á su espíritu.
Notes
- 1 ↩despacho: official authorization/papers enabling the foundation; Breve de Roma: papal brief from Rome.
- 2 ↩espaldas y cabida: idiom for protection/backing and lodging/welcome among the devout.
- 3 ↩este santo viejo refers to Fray Pedro de Alcántara, just named in the previous sentence.
- 4 ↩Source reads "sigun"; rendered as "según" ("since" / "given that").
- 5 ↩"oficiales" rendered as "workmen" (building craftsmen), not civic officials.
- 6 ↩"acertaron á estar fuera" rendered as "happened to be away" (from the Incarnation house); "fuera" here means away from their own convent, not merely outdoors.
- 7 ↩Period spellings normalized in sense only: "mijor"→mejor, "perlados"→prelados, "vian"→veían, "cuanti mas"→cuanto más, "imperfecion"→imperfección.
- 8 ↩"letrados" rendered as "learned men" (theologians/canonists whose counsel she sought); "parecer" as their considered judgment/counsel.
- 9 ↩"se remediaron" rendered as "were provided for" (given a religious home/remedy); "ansias" as "longings" (eager spiritual yearnings, not anxiety alone).
- 10 ↩"ruin" rendered as "wretched," Teresa's habitual self-abasement language for spiritual unworthiness, not mere social baseness.
- 11 ↩"Ordinary" renders ordinario as the diocesan bishop. "I wasn't changing that arrangement" renders yo no la mudaba; the feminine referent is left implicit in the Spanish (most likely the foundation/house or its jurisdictional setup).
- 12 ↩The closing suggestion is layered: the demonic assault proposes that the foundation itself may have been the devil's scheme to destroy her peace, prayer, and soul.
- 13 ↩Habia tan poquito: taken as the scarcity/brevity of that prior contentment (contento), not as a free-standing vague quantity.
- 14 ↩Mas no dejó... padecer: rendered as did not leave His servant to suffer (unaided), because the porque-clause and the following gift of light show help in the trial, not that suffering was withheld.
- 15 ↩"haga lo que todas" is rendered as doing what all the other sisters do (the communal observances of the house in the preceding section).
- 16 ↩Spanish 'en cuyo poder se puede' is elliptical (no explicit complement). Rendered as 'in whose power it can be done,' taking the prior sentence's talk of her surprising strength/ability as the implied object.
- 17 ↩Source reading "primitió" taken as "permitió" ("allowed").
- 18 ↩"perlada" rendered as "prioress" (religious superior).
- 19 ↩"cárcel" taken as the convent disciplinary cell, not a civil jail.
- 20 ↩"discuento" rendered as "account" (self-explanation before the superior); if the intended reading is "descargo," the sense is the same.
- 21 ↩Hice mi culpa is monastic idiom for making a public admission of fault (culpa), not a sacramental confession.
- 22 ↩The y after delito is read as coordinating two standards of severity: what the offense deserved, and what many were urging on the provincial.
- 23 ↩Spanish «religión» here means the ordered monastic observance of the house (religious discipline), not abstract religion.
- 24 ↩discuento: Teresa’s form for a formal reckoning/account of one’s conduct (near descargo/dar cuenta); rendered as “account of myself.”
- 25 ↩Fragment continuing s2: the crowd's condemnation includes the demand that she go to the provincial and return to her monastery.
- 26 ↩Reading 'mas que sino lo dijeran' as 'más que si no lo dijeran' ('no more than if they hadn't said it'), the usual sense in this passage.
- 27 ↩Source 'informaeion' corrected to 'información' (information).
- 28 ↩"era dejarse todo" rendered as the practical consequence of the prioress's order: abandoning/leaving the whole business alone.
- 29 ↩Source orthography "siguro" read as "seguro" (secure/assured).
- 30 ↩'renta' rendered as 'income' (fixed endowment/revenue for the house), not rent in the modern lease sense.
- 31 ↩'ruin é imperfeta' rendered as 'wretched and imperfect' (self-accusation of spiritual baseness, not mere social lowliness). 'concierto' = negotiated settlement/arrangement about taking income.
- 32 ↩como esto hiciese: in context, 'this' is refusing an income / holding the foundation without renta, as urged in the preceding sentence.
- 33 ↩Source clause 'y que porque no queria tomar su consejo' is syntactically incomplete; rendered as the reason for his severity / the substance of the rebuke (her reluctance to follow his counsel against renta).
- 34 ↩"de la mas mala digestion de todas" is Teresa's idiom for something that sits worst / is hardest to digest; rendered as "hardest of all to stomach."
- 35 ↩"padre presentado dominico": Presentado is a Dominican title/rank; kept as Presentado rather than paraphrased.
- 36 ↩Rendered source 'sigura' as 'segura' (sure) and 'se terná' as 'se tendrá' (will take).
- 37 ↩'Su trato' rendered as 'Their concern' (dealings/conversation oriented to spiritual progress); could also be 'Their conversation' or 'Their way of relating'.
- 38 ↩'trata de esto' continues the prior sentence's concern with advancing in God's service; 'el mesmo' = the same language/subject.
- 39 ↩Source ends mid-numeral: 'que fué dado á M.' Standard tradition continues the year as MCCXLVIII (1248) across the following sentence fragments; rendered the local reading and flagged for review.
- 40 ↩Standalone Roman-numeral fragment continuing the year from s7 ('M. CC. …'); full date resumes in the following section as 'XLVIII años…' (= MCCXLVIII / 1248).
- 41 ↩Dating fragment continuing the previous sentence ("M. CC." + "XLVIII" = MCCXLVIII / 1248), when Cardinal Hugh of Santa Sabina issued the Carmelite Rule under Innocent IV.
- 42 ↩"beata" rendered as "holy woman": a devout woman living a consecrated life; Teresa refers back to someone already named earlier in the narrative.
- 43 ↩Demanda here is the mendicant practice of going out to collect alms; rendered as living on alms without going out to beg.
- 44 ↩Source reading 'mijor' taken as 'mejor' (better).
- 45 ↩Source spacing 'suav dad' taken as 'suavidad' (gentleness/ease).
The Life (Libro de la Vida) of Teresa of Ávila companion
A daily portion of stillness
Chosen Portion delivers one short contemplative reading and a guided moment of silence each day — the ascent, one step at a time.
Chosen Portion is the paced doorway into this collection: it portions the dense mystical treatises into one daily reading plus guided silence, exactly as the 14-day plan teaches.
- Daily bite-sized excerpts from the contemplative classics, never a wall of text
- A built-in timed stillness practice that grows from 2 minutes to 10
- Gentle progression through the tradition — the app remembers where you are on the ascent