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← The Lamentation of a Sinner/Book 1 · The Lamentation of a Sinner
Chapter 2ParrLament.1.2

The Confession of a Stony and Untractable Heart

A Heart Compelled to Confess

The author declares her intention to confess her stony heart and praise God's abundant mercy, despite her unworthiness.

When I reflect on my evil and wretched former life, and see how my obstinate, stony, unyielding heart has gone so far in wickedness that it has not only neglected—indeed, scorned and rejected—God's holy precepts and commandments, but has also embraced, welcomed, and valued vain, foolish, and counterfeit trifles, I am forced and compelled, both in heart and speech, partly out of the hatred I owe to sin (which has reigned in me) and partly out of the love I owe to all Christians (whom I want to build up even by using my own shame as an example), to confess and declare openly to the world how ungrateful, negligent, unkind, and stubborn I have been to God, my Creator, and how generous, merciful, and gentle he has always been to me, his creature, even though I am such a miserable, wretched sinner.1 Truly, I have taken on no small task: first, to put into words my complete stubbornness and contempt, which is beyond comprehension even in thought (as the Psalm says, "Who understands his faults?") Next, to declare the excellent kindness, mercy, and goodness of God, which is infinite and immeasurable; nor can all the words of angels and men fully describe it in a way that befits his most high goodness.

The Unanswering Heart

She confesses her ingratitude, love of darkness, neglect of God's word, and her persistent refusal to answer when God called.

Who wouldn't be forced to admit the same, if they considered what they've received from God and still receive every day? Yes—if people wouldn't acknowledge and confess it, the stones themselves would cry it out. Truly, I'm compelled and forced to speak and write of it—to my own disgrace and shame, but to the great glory and praise of God.2 For he, as a loving father of the most abundant and high goodness, has heaped countless benefits on me; and I, on the contrary, have heaped up many sins, despising what was good, holy, pleasing, and acceptable in his sight, and choosing what was delightful, pleasing, and acceptable in mine.3 And it's no wonder I acted that way, for I would not learn to know the Lord and his ways, but loved darkness better than light—yes, darkness seemed light to me.✦✦ I embraced ignorance as perfect knowledge, and knowledge seemed to me superfluous and vain. I paid little regard to God's word, but gave myself over to the vanities and shadows of the world. I forsook him in whom is all truth, and followed the vain, foolish imaginations of my heart.✦ I wanted to cover my sins with the pretense of holiness.4 I called superstition godly intent, and true holiness error.✦5 The Lord spoke many pleasant and gentle words to me, but I wouldn't listen; he called me in many ways, but through stubborn perversity I wouldn't answer.✦6 My evils and miseries are so many and so great that they accuse me even to my face. Oh, how miserably and wretchedly I'm put to shame when, because of the multitude and greatness of my sins, I'm forced to accuse myself!7 Wasn't it an astonishing unkindness that when God spoke to me and called me, I would not answer him?✦8 What person, called like that, would not have listened?9 Or what person, hearing, would not have answered? If an earthly prince had spoken to him or called him, I suppose there's no one who wouldn't willingly have done both.10 Now, therefore, what a wretch and miserable creature I am—that when the Prince of Princes, the King of Kings, spoke many pleasant and gentle words to me, and called me so many different times that they can't be counted; and yet, for all these great signs and tokens of love, I would not come to him, but hid myself from his sight, seeking many crooked side paths—and I walked in them so long that I had completely lost sight of him.✦✦✦11

The Idolatry of Self and the World

She acknowledges following blind ignorance and the crowd into idolatry, making an idol of herself and preferring created things before God.

And no wonder: I had a blind guide called Ignorance, who so dimmed my eyes that I could never truly catch sight of the fair, beautiful, straight, and right ways of his teaching, but only kept struggling uncomfortably along the foul, wicked, crooked, and perverse ways.✦ Yes, and because those ways were so crowded with people, I could only think I was walking the perfect and right path — caring more about how many were walking than about whether the walking itself was ordered rightly — and believing most surely that with that company I was walking to heaven, when in fact I am most sure they would have brought me down to hell.✦1213 I abandoned the spiritual worship of the true living God and worshiped visible idols and images made by human hands, believing that through them I would gain heaven; indeed, to tell the truth, I made a great idol of myself, for I loved myself more than God.✦✦ And certainly, consider how many things are loved or preferred in our hearts before God: that many are taken and treated as idols and false gods.✦

The Rejection of Christ's Passion

She laments her violation of the great commandment and her failure to trust in Christ's blood, instead despising his sacrifice and counting herself among the most wicked.

Oh, how I've violated this holy, pure, and most high precept and commandment of the love of God—the precept that binds me to love him with my whole heart, mind, force, strength, and understanding.✦ And I, like an evil, wicked, disobedient child, have handed over my will, power, and senses to the opposite: making almost every earthly and carnal thing into a god. Furthermore, I did not consider the blood of Christ sufficient to cleanse me from the filth of my sins, nor the ways he has appointed through his Word.✦ But I sought after such riffraff as the Bishop of Rome has planted in his tyranny and kingdom, confidently trusting that through their virtue and holiness I would receive full remission of my sins.14 And so I did everything in my power to obscure and darken the great benefit of Christ's passion — than which no thought can conceive anything of greater worth. No greater injury and offense can be done to Almighty God our Father than to trample underfoot Christ, his only begotten and well-beloved Son.✦ All other sins in the world, gathered together into one, are not so heinous and detestable in the sight of God. And no wonder, for in Christ crucified God shows himself most noble and glorious — truly an almighty God and most loving Father, in his only dear and chosen blessed Son. And therefore I consider myself one of the most wicked and miserable sinners, because I have been so thoroughly set against Christ my Savior.

Read the original English

When I consider, in the bethinking of mine evil and wretched former life, mine obstinate, stony and untractable heart to have so much exceeded in evilness that it hath not only neglected, yea contemned and despised God’s holy precepts and commandments, but also embraced, received and esteemed vain, foolish and feigned trifles: I am─partly by the hate I owe to sin, who hath reigned in me, partly by the love I owe to all Christians, whom I am content to edify even with the example of mine own shame─forced and constrained with my heart and words, to confess and declare to the world how ingrate, negligent, unkind and stubborn I have been to God my Creator, and how beneficial, merciful and gentle he hath been always to me his creature, being such a miserable, wretched sinner. Truly I have taken no little small thing upon me: first, to set forth my whole stubbornness and contempt in words, the which is incomprehensible in thought (as it is in the Psalm), “who understandeth his faults?” ; next this, to declare the excellent beneficence, mercy and goodness of God, which is infinite, unmeasurable, neither can all the words of angels and men make relation thereof, as appertaineth to his most high goodness.

Who is he that is not forced to confess the same, if he consider what he hath received of God and doth daily receive? Yea, if men would not acknowledge and confess the same, the stones would cry it out. Truly I am constrained and forced to speak and write thereof, to mine own confusion and shame but to the great glory and praise of God. For he, as a loving father of most abundant and high goodness, hath heaped upon me innumerable benefits; and I, contrary, have heaped manifold sins, despising that which was good, holy, pleasant and acceptable in his sight, and choosing that which was delicious, pleasant and acceptable in my sight.

And no marvel it was that I so did, for I would not learn to know the Lord and his ways, but loved darkness better than light: yea, darkness seemed to me light. I embraced ignorance as perfect knowledge, and knowledge seemed to me superfluous and vain. I regarded little God’s word, but gave myself to vanities and shadows of the world. I forsook him in whom is all truth, and followed the vain, foolish imaginations of my heart. I would have covered my sins with the pretence of holiness. I called superstition, godly meaning; and true holiness, error. The Lord did speak many pleasant and sweet words unto me, and I would not hear: he called me diversely, but through frowardness I would not answer.

Mine evils and miseries be so many and great that they accuse me even to my face. Oh how miserably and wretchedly am I confounded when, for the multitude and greatness of my sins, I am compelled to accuse myself! Was it not a marvellous unkindness, when God did speak to me, and also call me, that I would not answer him? What man, so-called, would not have heard? Or what man, hearing, would not have answered? If an earthly prince had spoken, either called him, I suppose there be none but would willingly have done both. Now, therefore, what a wretch and caitiff am I, that when the Prince of Princes, the King of Kings, did speak many pleasant and gentle words unto me, and also called me so many and sundry times that they cannot be numbered; and yet, notwithstanding these great signs and tokens of love, I would not come unto him, but hid myself out of his sight, seeking many crooked and byways; wherein I walked so long that I had clean lost his sight.

And no marvel or wonder, for I had a blind guide called Ignorance, who dimmed so mine eyes, that I could never perfectly get any sight of the fair, goodly, straight and right ways of his doctrine, but continually travailed uncomfortably in the foul, wicked, crooked, and perverse ways. Yea, and because they were so much haunted of many, I could not think; but I walked in the perfect and right way, having more regard to the number of the walkers than to the order of the walking, believing also, most surely, with company to have walked to heaven; whereas I am most sure they would have brought me down to hell.

I forsook the spiritual honouring of the true living God, and worshipped visible idols and images made of men's hands, believing by them to have gotten heaven; yea, to say the truth, I made a great idol of myself: for I loved myself better than God. And certainly, look how many things are loved or preferred in our hearts before God: so many are taken and esteemed for idols and false gods.

Alas, how have I violated this holy, pure and most high precept and commandment of the love of God; which precept bindeth me to love him with my whole heart, mind, force, strength and understanding.

And I, like unto an evil, wicked, disobedient child, have given my will, power and senses to the contrary: making almost of every earthly and carnal thing, a god. Furthermore, the blood of Christ was not reputed by me sufficient for to wash me from the filth of my sins, neither such ways as he hath appointed by his Word. But I sought for such riff-raff as the Bishop of Rome hath planted in his tyranny and kingdom, trusting with great confidence by the virtue and holiness of them, to receive full remission of my sins. And so I did as much as was in me to obfuscate and darken the great benefit of Christ’s passion, than the which no thought can conceive anything of more value. There cannot be done so great an injury and displeasure to Almighty God our Father, as to tread under foot Christ, his only begotten and well-beloved Son. All other sins in the world gathered together in one be not so heinous and detestable in the sight of God. And no wonder, for in Christ crucified God doth show himself most noble and glorious; even an almighty God, and most loving Father, in his only dear and chosen blessed Son. And therefore I count myself one of the most wicked and miserable sinners, because I have been so much contrary to Christ my saviour.

Scripture echoes

  1. ↩John.3.19 — And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and the people loved the darkness rather than the light, for their deeds were evil.
  2. ↩Isa.5.20 — Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.
  3. ↩Gen.6.5 — And the LORD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.
  4. ↩Isa.5.20 — Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.
  5. ↩Prov.1.24;Isa.65.12 — Because I called and you refused, I stretched out my hand and no one paid attention; Isa.65.12 — Therefore I will destine you for the sword, and all of you shall bow down to the slaughter; because I called and you did not answer, I spoke and you did not listen. You did what was evil in my eyes, and chose what I did not delight in.
  6. ↩Isa.65.12;Jer.7.13 — Therefore I will destine you for the sword, and all of you shall bow down to the slaughter; because I called and you did not answer, I spoke and you did not listen. You did what was evil in my eyes, and chose what I did not delight in. Jer.7.13 — And now, because you have done all these deeds—declares the LORD—and I spoke to you, rising early and speaking, but you did not listen; and I called you, but you did not answer.
  7. ↩Rev.17.14;1Tim.6.15 — These will wage war against the Lamb, and the Lamb will conquer them, for he is Lord of lords and King of kings, and those with him are called, chosen, and faithful. 1Tim.6.15 — which he will display in his own time—the blessed and only Sovereign, the King of those who reign and Lord of those who rule.
  8. ↩Dan.8.25 — And through his cunning he shall cause deceit to prosper in his hand, and in his heart he shall magnify himself, and in security he shall destroy many; and against princes he shall stand, and he shall be broken—but not by human hand.
  9. ↩Gen.3.8 — And they heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden.
  10. ↩Matt.15.14 — Leave them alone. They are blind guides of the blind. But if a blind person guides a blind person, both will fall into a pit.
  11. ↩Matt.7.13-Matt.7.14 — Enter through the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the road is broad that leads to destruction, and many are those who enter through it. Matt.7.14 — Because the gate is narrow and the road is hard that leads to life, and there are few who find it.
  12. ↩Jer.10.10;1Thess.1.9 — But the LORD is the true God; he is the living God and the everlasting King. At his wrath the earth quakes, and the nations cannot endure his indignation. 1Thess.1.9 — For they themselves report about us what kind of welcome we had among you, and how you turned to God from idols, to serve the living and true God
  13. ↩Ps.115.4;Isa.2.8;Acts.17.29 — Their idols are silver and gold, the work of human hands. Isa.2.8 — And his land is full of idols; they bow down to the work of their hands, to what their fingers have made. Acts.17.29 — Since then we are God's offspring, we ought not to think that the divine being is like gold or silver or stone, an image formed by the art and thought of man.
  14. ↩Exod.20.3;Ezek.14.3 — You shall have no other gods before me. Ezek.14.3 — Son of man, these men have set up their idols in their hearts and have placed the stumbling block of their iniquity right before their faces. Should I indeed let myself be consulted by them?
  15. ↩Deut.6.5;Matt.22.37;Mark.12.30;Luke.10.27 — And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. Matt.22.37 — And he said to him, 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.' Mark.12.30 — And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength. Luke.10.27 — And he answered, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself."
  16. ↩1John.1.7;Rev.1.5 — But if we walk in the light, as he himself is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. Rev.1.5 — and from Jesus Christ, the faithful witness, the firstborn of the dead, and the ruler of the kings of the earth — to him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood,
  17. ↩Heb.10.29 — How much worse a punishment do you think will be deserved by the one who has trampled the Son of God underfoot, and has regarded as common the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified, and has insulted the Spirit of grace?

Notes

  1. 1 ↩Source 'feigned trifles' rendered as 'counterfeit trifles' (empty, false vanities), not mere small amusements.
  2. 2 ↩Early modern 'confusion' means public shame or disgrace, not mental bewilderment; rendered as 'disgrace' beside 'shame'.
  3. 3 ↩Early modern 'delicious' means delightful or pleasing to the senses, not limited to taste; rendered as 'delightful'.
  4. 4 ↩Early modern 'I would have covered' rendered as past desire/intent ('I wanted to cover'), not a pure counterfactual.
  5. 5 ↩'godly meaning' rendered as 'godly intent' (pious intention), preserving the inversion of names.
  6. 6 ↩'frowardness' rendered as 'stubborn perversity' to keep wilful obstinacy, not mere irritability; 'diversely' as 'in many ways'.
  7. 7 ↩Source 'confounded' rendered as 'put to shame' (early modern sense of moral shame/dismay), not modern 'confused'.
  8. 8 ↩Source 'marvellous unkindness' kept as astonishing unkindness (remarkable ingratitude/lack of due response), not 'marvelous' in a positive sense.
  9. 9 ↩Source 'so-called' read as early modern 'so called' (called in that way), not modern 'alleged/spurious'.
  10. 10 ↩Source 'either' taken as early modern 'or' (spoken or called), not exclusive either/or of two options for the same act.
  11. 11 ↩Source 'caitiff' rendered as 'miserable creature' (base, wretched person); 'sundry' as 'different'; 'clean lost' as 'completely lost'.
  12. 12 ↩Source 'I could not think; but I walked' reflects the Early Modern construction 'could not think but' (= 'could only think that / could not help thinking that'). The semicolon in the normalized text is treated as punctuation, not a full stop of sense; the clause means she assumed she was on the right path because it was so frequented.
  13. 13 ↩'Haunted of many' = frequented by many people (paths thronged with traffic), not ghostly haunting.
  14. 14 ↩riff-raff: early modern scorn for papal remedies (indulgences, invented rites, etc.) set over against Christ's blood and Word-appointed means in the previous sentence.

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