De vili exstimatione sui ipsius in oculis Dei.
The Nothingness of Self Before God
The soul confesses its utter nothingness and weakness, yet discovers that God's grace floods in precisely where self-estimation is abandoned.
How can I speak to my Lord, when I am dust and ashes?✦1 If I think too highly of myself, behold, you stand against me, and my iniquities bear you witness as true, and I cannot contradict them.2 But if I make myself vile and reduce myself to nothing, and withdraw from all self-estimation, and pulverize myself just as I am — then your grace will be favorable to me, and your light will be near my heart, and all estimation, however small, even the least, will be swallowed up in the valley of my nothingness and will perish forever.34 There you will show me to myself: what I am, what I was, and where I came from — because I am nothing, and I did not know it.✦56 If I am left to myself, behold, I am nothing and utter weakness; but if you suddenly look upon me, at once I become strong and am filled with new joy.7 And it is a wonder how suddenly I am raised up and so kindly embraced by you — I who by my own weight am always carried downward.89
Finding Self Through Losing Self in Love
God's love anticipates every need, and in seeking God alone the soul finds both itself and God, receiving far beyond what it dares to ask.
This is what your love does — freely coming before me, helping me in so many needs, guarding me from grave dangers, and snatching me away from countless evils, so that I can truly say it.10 By loving myself badly I lost myself; and by seeking you alone and purely loving, I found both myself and you together, and out of that love I reduced myself more deeply to nothing.1112 Because you, O Sweetest One, do with me beyond all merit and beyond anything I dare to hope for or ask.13
Blessing God and Praying for Return
The soul blesses God for doing good even to the ungrateful, then prays to be turned back into grateful, humble devotion.
Blessed are you, my God, because even though I am unworthy of every good thing, your nobility and infinite goodness never stop doing good even to the ungrateful and to those who have turned far away from you.14 Turn us back to you, so that we may be grateful, humble, and devoted, because you are our salvation, our strength, and our courage.✦1516
Read the original Latin
Loquar ad Dominum meum, cum sim pulvis et cinis? Si me amplius reputavero, ecce tu stas contra me; et dicunt te testimonium verum iniquitates meæ nec possum contradicere. Si autem me vilificavero et ad nihilum me redegero, et ab omni propria reputatione defecero, atque sicut sum spulverizavero erit, mihi propitia gratia tua, et vicina cordi meo lux tua, et omnis exstimatio, quantulacumque minima, in valle nihilitatis meæ submergetur, et peribit in æternum. Ibi ostendes me mihi, quid sum, quid fui, et de quo veni, quia nihil sum et nescivi. Se mihi ipsi relinquor, ecce nihil, et tota infirmitas; si autem subito me respexeris, statim fortis efficior, et novo repleor gaudio. Et mirum valde quod sic repente sublevor, et tam benigne a te complector, qui proprio pondere semper ad imi feror.
Facit hoc amor tuus gratis præveniens me, et in tam multis subveniens necessitatibus, a gravibus quoque custodiens me periculis, et ab innumeris, ut vere dicam, eripiens malis. Me siquidem male amando perdidi; et te solum quærendo et pure amando me et te pariter inveni, atque ex amore profundius ad nihilum me redegi. Quia tu, o Dulcissime, facis mecum supra meritum omne et supra id quod audeo sperare vel rogare.
Benedictus sis Deus meus, quia licet ego omnibus bonis indignus sim, tua tamen nobilitas et infinita bonitas nunquam cessat benefacere etiam ingratis, et longe a te aversis. Converte nos ad te, ut simus grati, humiles, devoti, quia salus nostra es tu, virtus et fortitudo nostra.
Scripture echoes
Notes
- 1 ↩Cf. Genesis 18:27 (Abraham's plea): 'Loquar ad Dominum meum, cum sim pulvis et cinis.' The italicized span marks a direct scriptural quotation.
- 2 ↩et (and) links the testimony of iniquities to the speaker's inability to rebut; nec (and not) reinforces the negative.
- 3 ↩gratia rendered as 'grace' per lexeme policy; lux as 'light' in the sense of divine illumination.
- 4 ↩autem after si marks an adversative shift from the previous si-clause (s2), rendered as 'but' to signal the contrast.
- 5 ↩The italicized 'quia nihil sum et nescivi' echoes Job 9:21 (Vulgate): 'etiamsi simplex fuero, hoc anima mea ignorat.' The self-recognition of nothingness is a recurring biblical and patristic theme.
- 6 ↩quia introduces the causal explanation for the self-revelation, rendered as 'because.'
- 7 ↩autem after si marks the adversative turn from self-abandonment to divine regard, rendered as 'but.'
- 8 ↩Et opens the sentence as a continuative discourse link, rendered as 'And' to preserve the flowing, meditative tone.
- 9 ↩pondus (weight) rendered metaphorically for the soul's gravitational pull toward what is lowest.
- 10 ↩The connective chain et…et…et links four participial phrases describing love's action; ut vere dicam is rendered as a result clause ('so that I can truly say') to preserve the force of the subjunctive dicam.
- 11 ↩Male amando ('badly loving') refers to disordered self-love; the paradox of losing the self through selfish love and finding it through pure love of God is central to the passage.
- 12 ↩Atque before ex amore links the finding and the self-reduction as a single movement of grace.
- 13 ↩Dulcissime rendered as 'Sweetest One' preserves the direct vocative address to Christ with devotional warmth, avoiding archaic 'O most sweet' while keeping the intimate tone.
- 14 ↩nobilitas rendered as 'nobility' to preserve the sense of God's exalted dignity and generous nature, not human social rank.
- 15 ↩fortitudo rendered as 'courage' rather than 'fortitude' to match the natural register; the sense is God as the source of our inner strength and boldness.
- 16 ↩ut is treated as purpose here ('so that'), which fits the prayerful petition context; a result reading is also possible.