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Chapter 25Ansl.1.25

ORATIO XXV. AD CHRISTUM. Cum sacerdos multum timet ne officium altaris, quod gerit, magis et noceat quam proficiat; et quod consilium de hac re capiat.

Entrusting Life and Death to God

The priest opens by acknowledging God's intimate knowledge of his weakness and folly, confessing that his life and death are entirely in God's hands, and pleading above all for a good end and the vision of God's glory.

Sweetest and most kind Lord Jesus Christ, highest Son of the highest Father, who with that same Father of yours and the Holy Spirit exist as Creator of the universe — to whom all things are known before they come to be — you know my foolishness, and you know how weak and fragile my soul is; and its sins and offenses are not hidden from you.1 You — I recognize that you are my Creator; and I confess that you made me to administer all the things that are necessary for this present life. Therefore you made me when it pleased you, and I will remain in this life as long as it pleases you; nor, until it pleases you, will any force be able to drive me from here.✦2 And because I am most certain about this — that it is so — I beseech you above all things, for the sake of your immense goodness, that however things may turn out for me while I live, at least my end may be a good one; and with all my iniquities forgiven through true penitence, may I be able to come at last to the vision of your glory, for which you created me.✦34

The Burden and Danger of the Priesthood

The priest confesses God's goodness in all gifts, then turns to the terrifying weight of the priesthood, weighing its immense spiritual benefit for the worthy against the grave danger it poses to the unworthy, and ends in anguished uncertainty about whether to continue or resign.

I confess, sweetest Lord Jesus, that every good thing I have, you gave me, and you gave it to me for this reason: so that I might love you, as is right, above all things, and might willingly do all that pleases you — but I would never dare to do anything that displeases you. But among the other good things you commanded me regarding your service, I do not know by what hidden judgment of yours you allowed the burden of the priesthood to be laid upon me. When I carefully consider this service — how great the reverence with which it must be carried out, how pure the conscience must be, and how the mind that undertakes to handle so terrifying a ministry ought to be cleansed from every contagion of sin — and when, on the other hand, I look with no less diligence at who I am, I who dare to handle this, I am not a little afraid of my own presumption, and I fear most intensely that it may bring me a greater judgment and a heavier condemnation, because I, so unworthy, dare to approach so worthy a thing. I know for certain, and I do not doubt this in any way: if I were to live as the one who performs this ministry ought to live, there is no service of God I could do that would be so beneficial and so saving for me. But just as it would be beneficial if a worthy life were present, so greater danger and greater damnation threaten a weak soul burdened by its own sins — a soul that, being unworthy, dares to handle so worthy a thing. Truly it is so — and more than can be said — this thing is useful and wholesome for a good priest, and, more than can be said, it is dangerous for the one who handles it unworthily. What then will this priest of yours do, sweetest Lord Jesus — or rather, what will this sinner do, weighed down by the burden of this service of yours? For I am too uncertain what would be better for me: to give it up, or to carry on.

Fear of Greater Sin After Resignation

The priest fears that abandoning the altar might remove the very restraint that keeps him from falling into even worse sins.

But if I give it up entirely, then I'm afraid all over again — afraid that under cover of this very fear I'll dare to take up many evils and sins, or even carry them out, things I didn't dare to do or even think about before, precisely because the weight of this service held me back.56

Confession of Persistent Sin and Unworthy Communion

The priest describes the cycle of temporary repentance during liturgical preparation followed by relapse after the service, confesses with vivid imagery his heart's continual wallowing in filth, and laments that he nevertheless dares to receive Christ's Body and Blood in so foul a vessel.

I confess that many times, when I prepare myself for the service of this office and recognize the evils I have committed, I grieve more keenly and more strictly within myself, and I more readily reject the empty thoughts and empty pleasures that then disturb me; but after the service is completed, I take back — more timidly, because of the very dread of that service — the many evils and sins that rise up again. Since this is what happens, I draw some comfort from the very act of presuming to serve, because through the reverent fear of that service I understand that I refrain at least somewhat from my sins. But — O most gentle and most merciful Jesus, as you see — so often my heart is full of every wickedness and blinded by the darkness of every iniquity, so that, setting aside all fear and knowingly despising your commands, like a torrent that sweeps along every foul stream flowing into it and now upward now downward carries everything with it, my heart, together with my wretched soul, takes in all the filth of carnal pleasures; and like a pig in the mud, it wallows and rolls around in that same filth.✦ I confess, O most merciful Jesus, before your majesty: I confess my iniquities; I confess my filth; I confess my most enormous pride and my foul thoughts — which, having cast off fear of you, my unhappy soul wretchedly embraces within itself. As you see, most merciful Lord Jesus — as you see — again and again I do exactly this, and in so foul a vessel, or rather in so foul a heart, I receive your body and your blood. I am telling the truth: I show myself no mercy!✦ And so, again and again, full of sins and iniquities, I approach the service of your altar. That is why I am greatly afraid that this presumption may lead me more to destruction than to salvation — because, stinking and rotten as I am, I dare to touch such holy Sacraments.✦

Seeking Counsel and Resolving to Persevere

The priest calls for spiritual counsel, then offers his own resolution—that it is better to serve God despite unworthiness than to abandon the altar out of fear—trusting in God's immense mercy toward the limping and stumbling, while acknowledging that grave sin may require temporary abstinence until penance is made.

Let someone faithful come, someone filled with the Spirit of God, and let him instruct the wretched priest by his spiritual counsel what is better for him and what is worse — whether to give up the service of the altar on account of hindrances like these, or whether, for the restraining of the many iniquities that are more often held in check by the very fear of that service, he should carry on. On this matter, the advice that seems to me both expedient and salutary is this: to cease from sins and to render the service we owe to God. Now even though we are unworthy to serve God, God is not unworthy of the service of his creature. About others I don't know what they might prefer; about myself I know — I would rather serve God, and if I cannot hold myself back from wickedness entirely, I would rather keep serving than give up that service out of fear of sin and lie more securely in the condemnation of sins. It is better for him to strike us for some offense against his service — and yet we go on performing that service — than for him to condemn us for fear of sin when we refuse to perform it. For his goodness is immense, his mercy immense — he who, even if he sees us walking the path of his uprightness with a limp, even if we stumble and fall again and again, still does not want us to turn away from the straightness of that same path. If we don't grow weary, he won't be able to hold himself back for long; he will help our effort and direct our steps toward the way of salvation. Nevertheless, if the priest's sins are grave, it is more useful for him to humbly cease from the sacrifice than, by the presumption of offering it, to incur greater condemnation — until, with penance begun or completed, he can return to the service of the altar with greater confidence.

Final Supplication: Holding Fast to Christ

The priest makes a final, fervent confession of his great sinfulness, refuses to despair of Christ's mercy or abandon the altar, begs to be chastised until all sin is purged, clings to Christ with a weak but determined hand, and prays to be led after death to true salvation and eternal praise.

But look, sweetest and most merciful Lord Jesus: I confess to your immense goodness that I am too great a sinner, doing many things that displease you, and yet presuming to perform the service of your altar. For I cannot despair of your mercy, I cannot — nor is it fitting for me — to abandon the service of your altar, or to refuse to receive your Body and Blood, which underwent death for my redemption, and which, for the remission of sins, came forth from your side when the soldier's lance opened it, along with water.✦7 If I am unworthy — as I am, and I confess it — strike me, amend me, and rebuke me, and chastise your priest, or rather your sinner, until every rust of sin departs from me, which has hardened within the walls of my soul through so long a time of great negligence. I confess, I confess: I am a sinner, I am unclean, I am unworthy, and yet I do not withdraw from you, sweetest Jesus Christ; whatever you wish, I will not let you go — even with a weak hand, I will hold on to you. You will not depart from me until you absolve me from every contagion of sin; and so, as one who daily eats your flesh and drinks your blood, who continually clings to your will and diligently does your precepts, lead me after the death of the flesh to true salvation — namely, to you, the true Priest — where, together with the other priests who are your members, I too then, not as a sinner but as a worthy priest and a worthy member of your Body, may praise you and glorify you through eternal ages.✦8 Amen.

Read the original Latin

Dulcissime et benignissime Domine Jesu Christe, altissimi Patris altissime Fili, qui cum eodem Patre tuo, et Spiritu sancto universitatis Creator existis; cui nota sunt omnia antequam fiant, tu nosti insipientiam meam, nosti et quam infirma sit et fragilis anima mea; et ejus peccata atque delicta a te non sunt abscondita. Te vero Creatorem meum esse recognosco; et omnia, quae mihi ad praesentis vitae necessitatem sunt, administrare fateor: fecisti ergo me, cum tibi placuit, et tandiu in hac vita ero, quandiu tibi placuerit; nec quousque tibi placeat, ulla vis me hinc expellere poterit. Et quia de hac re certissimus sum quod ita sit, hoc super omnia immensam bonitatem tuam deprecor, ut qualitercunque mihi eveniat, dum vivo, saltem de me bonus sit finis, omnibusque iniquitatibus meis per veram poenitentiam dimissis, ad visionis tuae gloriam pervenire valeam, propter quam me creasti.

Fateor, dulcissime Domine Jesu, quia omnia bona quae habeo, tu mihi dedisti; et quia propter hoc ea mihi dedisti, ut te, sicut dignum esset, super omnia diligerem, et omnia quae tibi placent, cum magna voluntate facerem; ea vero quae tibi displicent, nullo modo facere auderem. Sed inter caetera bona quae mihi de servitio tuo praecepisti, nescio quo occulto judicio tuo mihi onus sacerdotii imponi permisisti. Quod servitium cum diligenter intueor quanta reverentia sit agendum, et quam pura conscientia, et ab omni contagione peccati munda debet esse mens quae tam terrificum ministerium suscipit tractandum; et ex altera parte non minori diligentia respicio quis sum ego qui hoc tractare audeo, non parum de praesumptione mea formido, et vehementissime timeo ne ad majus judicium, majorisque judicii damnationem mihi sit, quod ad tam dignam rem tam indignus accedere audeo. Scio certe, nec de hac re ullo modo dubito quia, si ita viverem sicut ille vivere debet qui hoc ministerium agit, nullum servitium Dei facere possem quod sic mihi proficuo esset et saluti. Sed sicut proficuum esset, si vita digna existeret, ita majus periculum et major damnatio infirmae animae et peccatis suis oneratae imminet, quae tam dignam rem indigna tractare audet. Vere ita est, et plusquam dici possit, ista res utilis est et salubris bono sacerdoti, et, plusquam dici possit, periculosa est hanc indigne tractanti. Quid ergo faciet, dulcissime Domine Jesu, hic tuus sacerdos, imo hic peccator quid faciet, hujus tui servitii onere gravatus? Nimis enim sum incertus quid mihi sit utilius, dimittere, an facere.

Sed tamen si ex toto dimitto, tunc rursus nimis pertimesco ne sub hujus formidinis occasione multa mala multaque peccata audeam inchoare, vel etiam perpetrare, quae propter hujus servitii formidinem prius non audebam vel cogitare.

Fateor quippe multoties, cum ad hujus officii servitium me praeparo et de malis quae me fecisse recognosco, angustius et districtius intra me doleo, et eas quae tunc perturbant vanas cogitationes vanasque delectationes expeditius respuo, et post peractum servitium, multa mala atque peccata quae iterum insurgunt, propter ejusdem servitii formidinem timidius recipio. Cum hoc ita evenit, de ejusdem servitii praesumptione aliquam consolationem habeo, quia propter illius reverentiae timorem, aliquantulum a peccatis meis cessare me intelligo. Sed, o mitissime et misericordissime Jesu, ut tu perspicis, ita saepius cor meum omni malitia plenum, omniumque iniquitatum tenebris obcaecatum; ut has omnes formidines postponens scienterque tuas praeceptiones contemnens, veluti torrens qui omnes fetores in se decurrentes secum trahit, et modo sursum modo deorsum secum volvit, cor meum cum misera anima mea omnes immunditias carnalium delectationum recipiat; et quasi porcus in coeno, sic in easdem immunditias se volvat, et revolvat. Fateor, o misericordissime Jesu, coram majestate tua iniquitates meas; fateor immunditias meas, fateor immanissimas superbias, et sordidas cogitationes meas, quas abjecto timore tuo infeliciter intus amplectitur infelix anima mea. Ut tu vides, clementissime Domine Jesu, ut tu vides, saepius et saepius ita facio, et in tam sordido vase, vel potius in tam sordido corde corpus tuum et sanguinem suscipio; verum dico, non mihi parco! Sic multoties plenus peccatis et iniquitatibus ad servitium tui altaris accedo; unde multum formido ne magis ad perniciem quam ad salutem mihi sit haec praesumptio, quod sic fetens et putens tam munda sacramenta contingere praesumo.

Modo veniat aliquis fidelis, qui Spiritu Dei plenus sit, et miserum sacerdotem suo spirituali consilio instruat quid ei sit melius, quidve deterius servitium altaris propter hujusmodi impedimenta dimittere, an propter refrenationem multarum iniquitatum, quae ejusdem servitii formidine saepius reprimuntur, servitium facere. Est autem de hoc (ut mihi videtur) expeditum et salubre consilium a peccatis cessare, et servitium quod Deo debemus reddere; nos autem etsi indigni sumus Deo servire, Deus non est indignus servitio suae creaturae; de aliis nescio quid ipsi magis eligant, de me scio quia magis volo Deo servire, et si non ex toto me possum a malitia retinere quam propter formidinem peccati ejus servitium dimittere et in peccatorum damnatione securius jacere. Melius est ut nos verberet propter aliquam offensionem sui servitii, et tamen suum servitium facientes, quam nos damnet propter timorem peccati suum servitium facere nolentes. Immensa est enim ejus pietas, immensa ejus misericordia, qui etsi viderit nos viam suae rectitudinis vel claudicando ambulare, etsi saepius labendo et relabendo, non tamen ab ejusdem viae rectitudine velle recedere; si nos non lassemur, non diu se retinere poterit, sed conatum nostrum adjuvabit, et diriget gressum nostrum ad viam salutis. Tamen si peccata sacerdotis sunt criminalia, utilius est ei ab immolatione sacrificii humiliter cessare quam per praesumptionem immolando, majorem damnationem incurrere, donec inchoata vel peracta poenitentia, possit ad altaris servitium securius accedere.

Sed ecce, dulcissime et misericordissime Domine Jesu, fateor immensae bonitati tuae me esse nimis peccatorem, plurima quae tibi displicent facientem, et tamen tui altaris servitium facere praesumentem. Non enim possum de tua misericordia desperare, non possum, nec mihi expedit, servitium tui altaris dimittere, tuum corpus et sanguinem non sumere, quod pro redemptione mea mortem suscepit, et qui pro remissione peccatorum de tuo latere lancea militis aperto cum aqua exivit. Si indignus sum, sicuti sum, et ego fateor, verbera me, emenda et corripe, et tandiu castiga tuum sacerdotem, imo tuum peccatorem, donec omnis rubigo peccati recedat a me, quae per tam longum tempus ex magna incuria indurata est in lateribus animae meae. Fateor, fateor, peccator sum, immundus sum, indignus sum, et tamen non recedo a te, dulcissime Jesu Christe; velis quid velis, non dimitto te, etsi infirma manu, tenebo te. Non recedes a me, donec ab omni contagione peccati absolvas; et sic carnem tuam quotidie manducantem, et sanguinem tuum bibentem, tuaeque voluntati jugiter inhaerentem, tua praecepta assidue facientem, me post mortem carnis perducas ad veram salutem, scilicet ad te verum Sacerdotem, ubi cum aliis sacerdotibus, tuis videlicet membris, ego quoque tunc non peccator, sed dignus sacerdos et dignum membrum corporis tui, te laudem, te glorificem per aeterna saecula. Amen.

Scripture echoes

  1. ↩Rom.8.38-Rom.8.39 — For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor rulers, neither the present nor the future, nor powers Rom.8.39 — nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord
  2. ↩1John.3.2;Matt.5.8 — Beloved, now we are children of God, and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be. We know that when he is revealed, we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is. Matt.5.8 — Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
  3. ↩2Pet.2.22 — It has happened to them according to the true proverb: 'A dog returns to its own vomit,' and 'A sow, after washing herself, returns to wallowing in the mud.'
  4. ↩1Cor.11.23-1Cor.11.25 — For I received from the Lord what I also passed on to you: that the Lord Jesus, on the night he was betrayed, took bread, 1Cor.11.24 — and having given thanks, he broke it and said, 'This is my body, which is for you. Do this in remembrance of me.' 1Cor.11.25 — In the same way also the cup, after supper, saying, "This cup is the new covenant in my blood. Do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of me."
  5. ↩1Cor.11.29 — For the one who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment on himself.
  6. ↩John.19.34 — But one of the soldiers pierced his side with a spear, and immediately blood and water came out.
  7. ↩John.6.54-John.6.56 — The one who eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day. John.6.55 — For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink. John.6.56 — The one who eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in him.

Notes

  1. 1 ↩The address 'sweetest and most kind' (dulcissime et benignissime) is a devotional intensifier, not a doctrinal claim; rendered to preserve the emotional register of direct prayer.
  2. 2 ↩The phrase 'fecisti ergo me' carries an inferential force (ergo) — 'therefore you made me' — linking the confession of creaturely dependence to the act of creation. The logic is: since God provides all necessities, God is therefore the one who made me.
  3. 3 ↩'Bonus finis' — 'a good end' — is a traditional devotional phrase meaning a holy death, i.e., dying in a state of grace after repentance. Rendered as 'my end may be a good one' to preserve the concrete, personal sense.
  4. 4 ↩'Visio gloriae tuae' — 'the vision of your glory' — refers to the beatific vision, the ultimate end of the soul in the direct sight of God.
  5. 5 ↩Sed tamen rendered as 'But' with the concessive force carried by context rather than a separate 'nevertheless,' which would sound stiff here.
  6. 6 ↩sub hujus formidinis occasione — 'under cover of this very fear' captures the idea that the fear of the priestly office itself becomes a pretext or occasion for sin (i.e., abdicating responsibility out of scrupulosity). The phrase is rendered dynamically to preserve the psychological realism.
  7. 7 ↩The relative clause 'quod…suscepit' grammatically attaches to 'corpus et sanguinem' but the passion sense fits the Blood specifically; the second relative 'qui…exivit' is masculine singular, likely referring to Christ himself rather than 'sanguinem', creating a slight syntactic tension. The translation follows the intended theological sense: the Body and Blood were given for redemption, and Christ's side was opened.
  8. 8 ↩The participles 'manducantem,' 'bibentem,' 'inhaerentem,' and 'facientem' are accusative singular masculine, agreeing with 'me' (implied), describing the speaker as one who eats, drinks, clings, and acts. The Eucharistic language is explicit and theologically loaded.

Orationes sive Meditationes — Collection for Princess Adeliza of Normandy companion

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