Of the comfortable beholdyng of the crucifyx; and how the desyre of the flesh without consent of the soule is no synne. And the flesh must be in peyne, suffring til bothe be onyd to Criste. Nineteenth chapter.
Choosing Jesus as Heaven
Julian resolves to keep her gaze fixed on the crucified Christ, refusing any other path to Heaven, trusting that He who bound her in suffering will release her in His time.
At this I wanted to look up, away from the Cross, but I didn't dare, because I knew well that while I kept my gaze on the Cross I was secure and safe; so I wouldn't consent to put my soul in peril, because away from the Cross there was no security against the horror of demons. Then I had a suggestion in my reason, as if it had been kindly said to me: "Look up to Heaven, to His Father"; and then I saw clearly, with the faith I felt, that there was nothing between the Cross and Heaven that could have harmed me.1 Either I had to look up, or else I had to answer. I answered inwardly with all the powers of my soul, and said, "No, I can't, because You are my Heaven." I said that because I wouldn't look away, because I'd rather have stayed in that pain until Judgment Day than come to Heaven by any way other than through Him.2 Because I knew well that He who bound me so tightly would unbind me when He willed.
The Inward Choice and the Outward Complaint
Julian learns that the soul's inward part, which chooses Jesus as Heaven, is sovereign over the outward flesh's regret, and that by grace the inward draws the outward into union with Christ.
So I was taught to choose Jesus as my Heaven, whom I saw only in pain at that time. I wanted no other Heaven than Jesus, who will be my bliss when I come there, and this has always been a comfort to me: that I chose Jesus as my Heaven by His grace through all this time of passion and sorrow. And that has been a lesson to me that I should always do so — choose only Jesus as my Heaven in weal and woe. And though I, as a wretch, had regretted it — I said before that if I had known what pain it would be, I would have been reluctant to have prayed — here I truly saw that it was the grumbling and complaining of the flesh without the soul's assent, in which God assigns no blame. Regret and willful choice are two contraries that I felt both at once at that time, and those are two parts: the one outward, the other inward. The outward part is our mortal flesh, which is now in pain and woe, and will be throughout this life — of which I felt much at this time — and that was the part that regretted. The inward part is a high, blissful life, which is all in peace and in love, and this was felt more inwardly; and this is the part in which, mightily, wisely, and willfully, I chose Jesus as my Heaven. And in this I truly saw that the inward part is master and sovereign over the outward, neither heeding nor paying attention to the will of that outward part; instead, all its intent and will is set endlessly on being united into our Lord Jesus. It wasn't shown to me that the outward part should draw the inward to assent, but that the inward draws the outward by grace and both shall be united in bliss without end by the power of Christ—this was shown.
Read the original Middle English
In this I wold a lokyd up of the Crosse, and I durst not, for I weste wele whyl I beheld in the Cross I was seker and save; therefore I wold not assenten to put my soule in perel, for beside the Crosse was no sekernes for uggyng of fends. Than had I a profir in my reason as it had be frendly seyd to me, Loke up to Hevyn, to His Fader; and than saw I wele with the feyth that I felte that ther was nothyn betwix the Crosse and Hevyn that myght have desesyd me. Either me behovyd to loke up or else to answeren. I answered inwardly with al the myghts of my soule, and said, "Nay, I may not, for Thou art my Hevyn." This I seyd for I wold not, for I had lever a ben in that peyne til domys day than to come to Hevyn otherwyse than by Hym. For I wiste wele that He that bonde me so sore, He sholde onbynde me whan that He wolde.
Thus was I lerid to chose Jesus to my Hevyn, whome I saw only in payne at that tyme. Me lekyd no other Hevyn than Jesus, which shal be my blisse whan I come there, and this hath ever be a comfort to me, that I chase Jesus to my Hevyn be His grace in al this tyme of passion and sorow. And that hat be a lernyng to me that I should evermor done so - chesyn only Jesus to my Hevyn in wele and wo. And thow I as a wretch had repentid me - I sayd aforn if I had wiste what peyne it had be, me had be loth to have prayed - here saw I sothly that it was grutching and daming of the flesh without assent of the soule, in whych God assignyth no blame. Repenting and wilful choys be two contrarys which I felte both in one at that tyme, and tho be two parties, that one outward, that other inward. The outeward party is our dedely fleshede which is now in peyne and wo, and shal be in this life, whereof I felt mech in this tyme, and that party was that repentid. The inward party is an high blisfull life, which is al in pece and in love, and this was more privily felte, and this party is in which, mightyly, wysly, and wilfully, I chase Jesus to my Hevyn. And in this I saw sothly that the inward party is master and soverayn to the outeward, and not charging ne takyng hede to the will of that, but al the entent and will is sett endlesly to be onyd into our Lord Jesus.
That the outeward part should draw the inward to assent was not shewid to me, but that the inward drawith the outeward by grace and bothe shal be onyd in blisse without end be the vertue of Criste - this was shewid.
Notes
Revelations of Divine Love (Showings) companion
A daily portion of stillness
Chosen Portion delivers one short contemplative reading and a guided moment of silence each day — the ascent, one step at a time.
Chosen Portion is the paced doorway into this collection: it portions the dense mystical treatises into one daily reading plus guided silence, exactly as the 14-day plan teaches.
- Daily bite-sized excerpts from the contemplative classics, never a wall of text
- A built-in timed stillness practice that grows from 2 minutes to 10
- Gentle progression through the tradition — the app remembers where you are on the ascent