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Chapter 18PsAug.1.18

Ingratitudinis mala. Beneficiorum Dei descriptio. De iisdem gratiarum actio. Deum semper diligere tenemur, nec valemus nisi dederit.

The Danger of Ingratitude and Early Deliverances

The soul resolves to praise God and recalls how often the Lord rescued it from the devil's jaws despite its repeated sins and ingratitude.

And yet I am the son of your handmaid, who entrusted me to your care; even now, with these poor confessions of mine, I will give you praise, my deliverer, with my whole heart — and I will call to mind all the good things you have done for me from my youth, throughout my whole life. For I know that ingratitude is displeasing to you — it is the root of all spiritual evil, a wind that dries up and scorches every good thing, blocking the fountain of divine mercy over a person. By it, dead evils now spring up, and living works now die, and nothing further is gained. And so, Lord, I will give you thanks, lest I be ungrateful to you, my deliverer — because you have set me free. How many times had that dragon already swallowed me whole, and you, Lord, drew me out of his mouth?✦ When — and how often — did I sin, and he himself stood ready to devour me; but you defended me? When I acted wickedly against you, when I broke your commandments, he stood ready to snatch me away to hell — but you held me back. I was offending you, and you were defending me; I was not fearing you, and you were watching over me. I was withdrawing from you, and I was handing myself over to my enemy; you kept him from seizing me — you held him back.

Unrecognized Rescues from Death and the Underworld

The soul confesses its blindness to God's countless mercies — repeated snatchings from the devil's mouth, from the gates of death, and from bodily perils — until at last God gave it light to see.

You were pouring out these gifts on me, my God, and I didn't even recognize it. So many times you freed me from the jaws of the devil, snatched me from the mouth of a lion, and brought me back from the underworld — though I didn't even know it — time after time.1 I had gone all the way down to the gates of the underworld, and you held me back so I wouldn't enter there; I drew near to the gates of death, and you stepped in so that death itself couldn't seize me.✦2 You also snatched me from bodily death more often than I know, my Savior — when serious illnesses had a grip on me, when I was in many dangers, at sea and on land; from fire and sword, and from every peril you kept freeing me, always standing by me and saving me with mercy. You knew, Lord, that if death had overtaken me then, the underworld would have received my soul, and I would have been condemned forever; but your mercy and your grace went ahead of me, snatching me from the death of the body and from the death of the soul, Lord my God. These and many other kindnesses you showed me, and I was blind and didn't recognize them — not until you gave me light.

Thanksgiving, Repeated Salvation, and Total Self-Offering

Enlightened at last, the soul offers thanksgiving, marvels at God's repeated rescues from hell, surrenders itself wholly to God, and resolves to live entirely for Him.

Now then, light of my soul, Lord my God, my life through which I live, light of my eyes through which I see — behold, you have enlightened me, and I know you, because I live through you, and I give you thanks, though the offerings my frailty can bring are poor, meager, and unequal to your blessings.3 Because you alone are my God, my kind creator, who love souls and have hated nothing among the things you have made (Wis.4 11:25). Behold, I am the first among the sinners you have saved, so that I might offer to others an example of your most kind devotion, and might confess your great blessings — because you snatched me from hell once, and a second time, and a third time, a hundred times, a thousand times — and I was always tending toward hell, and you were always leading me back; and though you would have condemned me justly a thousand times, had you wished, you were unwilling, because you love souls, and you overlook my sins on account of my repentance, Lord my God, because your mercies are many in all your ways.56 Now therefore I see these things, Lord my God, and I know them through your light, and my soul faints within me at your great mercy shown toward me — because you have snatched my soul from the lowest hell, and have led me back to life.78 I was wholly in death; you raised me up entirely. And so let all that I live be yours. Wholly I offer all of myself to you: my whole spirit, my whole heart, my whole body — let my whole life live for you, my life — because you have freed all of me, so that you might possess all of me; you have restored all of me, so that you might receive all of me back.9 I will love you, therefore, Lord my strength; I will love you, my unspeakable joy — and let my whole life now live, no longer for myself but for you — this life of mine that had perished in my wretchedness, that has been raised up in your mercy, you who are God, merciful and compassionate, whose mercies are abundant toward thousands of those who love your name.✦1011

The Command to Love and Dependence on Grace

The soul acknowledges God's command to love Him with all its strength, recognizes it cannot do so without the grace He alone gives, and prays the Augustinian prayer: give what You command.

For this reason, Lord my God, my sanctifier, you commanded me by your law to love you with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my mind, and with all my strength (Deut.✦ 6:5; Matt.✦ 22:37), and with all my strength, and even from the deepest marrow of my heart, in every hour and moment that I enjoy the gifts of your mercy; for I would always perish, were you not always guiding me; I would always die, were you not always giving me life, and at every moment you bind me to yourself, while at every moment you furnish me with your great blessings. Just as there is no hour or moment in all my life when I do not benefit from your gift, so there ought to be no moment when I do not hold you before my eyes in my memory and love you with all my strength. But I cannot do this either, unless you have given it to me, from whom every good gift and every perfect gift comes, descending from the Father of lights, with whom there is no change nor shadow of turning (James 1:17).✦ For it depends not on the one willing nor on the one running, but on you who have mercy (Rom. 9:16), that we may love you.✦ This gift is yours, Lord, from whom every good thing comes. You command yourself to be loved; give what you command, and command what you will.

Read the original Latin

Ego autem filius ancillae tuae, quae me commendavit manui tuae, jam his pauperculis confessionibus meis confitear tibi, liberator meus, toto corde meo; et recolam ad mentem meam bona quae fecisti mihi a juventute mea, in omni vita mea. Scio namque quod ingratitudo tibi displiceat, quae radix est totius mali spiritualis, et ventus quidam desiccans et urens omne bonum, obstruens fontem divinae misericordiae super hominem: qua et mala mortua jam oriuntur, et viva jam opera moriuntur, et ultra non adipiscuntur. Et ego, Domine, gratias tibi agam, ne sim ingratus tibi, liberator meus, quoniam liberasti me. Quoties me jam absorbuerat ille draco, et tu, Domine, ab ore ejus extraxisti me? Quando vel quoties peccavi, et ipse paratus fuit deglutire me; sed tu defendisti me? Cum contra te inique agebam, cum tua mandata frangebam, stabat paratus ipse ut me raperet ad infernum; sed tu prohibebas. Ego te offendebam, et tu me defendebas; ego te non timebam, et tu me custodiebas. A te recedebam, et inimico meo me exhibebam; tu ipsum ne me acciperet, deterrebas.

Haec mihi tu, Deus meus, beneficia conferebas, et ego non cognoscebam. Sic me multoties a faucibus diaboli liberasti, de ore leonis eripuisti, et ab inferno licet me nescientem multis vicibus reduxisti. Descendi enim usque ad portas inferni, et ne illuc intrarem, tu me tenuisti; appropinquavi usque ad portas mortis, et ne me ipsa caperet, tu fecisti. De morte etiam corporis me saepius eripuisti, salvator meus, cum me graves morbi tenerent, cum fui in periculis multis, per mare, per terras; ab igne et gladio, et ab omni periculo liberans, semper mihi astans, et misericorditer salvans. Sciebas quidem, Domine, quia si tunc mors me praeoccupasset, infernus animam meam suscepisset, et perpetuo damnatus fuissem: sed tua misericordia et tua gratia praevenerunt me, eripiens me de morte corporis et de morte animae, Domine Deus meus. Haec et multa alia mihi tua beneficia exhibuisti, et ego eram caecus, et non cognovi, donec illuminasti me.

Nunc igitur, lux animae meae, Domine Deus meus, vita mea per quam vivo, lumen oculorum meorum per quod video, en illuminasti me, et cognosco te, quia vivo per te, et gratias ago tibi, licet viles et exiles et impares beneficiis tuis, quales habet mea fragilitas offero. Quoniam tu es solus Deus meus, creator meus benignus, qui amas animas, et nihil odisti eorum quae fecisti (Sap. XI, 25). En ego primus inter peccatores quos salvasti, ut exemplum aliis tribuam benignissimae pietatis tuae, confitear beneficia tua magna, quoniam eripuisti me de inferno semel et secundo et tertio et centies et millies, et ego semper ad infernum tendebam, et tu me semper reducebas: et cum me juste millies damnasses, si voluisses; noluisti, quia amas animas, et dissimulas peccata mea propter poenitentiam, Domine Deus meus, quia multae misericordiae in omnibus viis tuis. Nunc ergo video haec, Domine Deus meus, et cognosco per lumen tuum, et deficit anima mea in misericordia tua magna super me; quoniam eripuisti animam meam ex inferno inferiori, et me reduxisti ad vitam. Totus eram in morte, totum me resuscitasti; et tuum igitur sit totum id quod vivo. Totus totum me tibi offero: totus spiritus, totum cor, totum corpus, tota vita mea vivat tibi, vita mea; quoniam totum me liberasti, ut totum me possideres; totum me refecisti, ut totum me rehaberes. Diligam te igitur; Domine virtus mea, diligam te, ineffabilis exsultatio mea, et vivat jam non mihi, sed tibi tota vita mea, quae perierat in miseria mea, quae resuscitata est in misericordia tua, qui es Deus misericors et miserator et multae misericordiae in millia his qui diligunt nomen tuum.

Idcirco, Domine Deus meus, sanctificator meus, jussisti mihi lege tua, ut diligam te toto corde meo, tota anima mea, tota mente mea, tota fortitudine mea (Deut. VI, 5; Matth. XXII, 37), et ex omnibus viribus meis, et etiam ex intimis medullis cordis mei, omnibus horis et momentis quibus fruor bonis misericordiae tuae; quoniam semper perirem, nisi quia semper me regis; semper morerer, nisi quia semper me vivificas, et omni momento me tibi obligas, dum omni momento mihi tua magna beneficia praestas. Sicut ergo nulla est hora vel punctum in omni vita mea, quo tuo beneficio non utar; sic nullum debet esse momentum, quo te non habeam ante oculos in mea memoria, et te non diligam ex omni fortitudine mea. Sed nec hoc valeo, nisi tu dederis mihi, cujus est omne donum bonum, et omne datum optimum descendens a Patre luminum; apud quem non est transmutatio, nec vicissitudinis obumbratio (Jacobi I, 17). Non enim est volentis neque currentis, sed tui miserentis (Rom, IX, 16), ut diligamus te. Tuum est, Domine, hoc donum, cujus est omne bonum. Jubes te diligi, da quod jubes, et jube quod vis.

Scripture echoes

  1. ↩Rev.12.9 — And the great dragon was thrown down—the ancient serpent, the one called the Devil and Satan, the one who deceives the whole world. He was thrown down to the earth, and his angels were thrown down with him.
  2. ↩Isa.38.10;Ps.106.18 — I said, in the prime of my life I shall go to the gates of Sheol; I am deprived of the remainder of my years. Ps.106.18 — And fire burned among their assembly; a flame consumed the wicked.
  3. ↩Ps.102.8;Exod.34.6-Exod.34.7 — I have watched and become like a lonely bird on the rooftop. Exod.34.6 — And the LORD passed before him and proclaimed, 'The LORD, the LORD, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.' Exod.34.7 — keeping steadfast love for thousands, bearing iniquity and transgression and sin, yet by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children and upon the children's children, to the third and to the fourth generation.
  4. ↩Deut.6.5 — And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.
  5. ↩Matt.22.37 — And he said to him, 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.'
  6. ↩Jas.1.17 — Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.
  7. ↩Rom.9.16 — So then, it does not depend on the one who wills or the one who runs, but on God who shows mercy.

Notes

  1. 1 ↩Porta inferni and de ore leonis echo Psalm 21:22 (Vulgate) and Psalm 90:3; the lion and underworld imagery together suggest both spiritual and physical peril.
  2. 2 ↩Portas inferni and portas mortis together echo Isaiah 38:10 and Psalm 106:18 (Vulgate). The ne + subjunctive construction expresses God's preventive action.
  3. 3 ↩The triple viles et exiles et impares stresses the speaker's sense of unworthiness before God's generosity; rendered as 'poor, meager, and unequal' to capture the ascending inadequacy.
  4. 4 ↩The parenthetical 'Sap' refers to the Book of Wisdom (Sapientia), a deuterocanonical text. Citation completed in the following sentence.
  5. 5 ↩The cum clause (token 44) is read concessively ('though') rather than causally, as the contrast with noluisti ('you were unwilling') demands.
  6. 6 ↩The ascending series semel…secundo…tertio…centies…millies conveys the speaker's sense of innumerable rescues; rendered with English ordinal/cardinal equivalents to preserve the rhetorical buildup.
  7. 7 ↩deficit anima mea is rendered 'my soul faints' to capture the sense of being overwhelmed by divine mercy, rather than a simple failure or lack.
  8. 8 ↩inferno inferiori rendered as 'lowest hell' to preserve the superlative force of the comparative form used as an intensifier.
  9. 9 ↩The triple totus/totum/tota anaphora is rendered with 'wholly/all/whole' to preserve the rhetorical repetition of total self-offering.
  10. 10 ↩Diligam is ambiguous between future indicative ('I will love') and optative subjunctive ('let me love'). The future indicative is chosen as the primary reading, fitting the declarative tone of the passage, though the optative sense is also present.
  11. 11 ↩The closing phrase echoes Psalm 102:8 (Vulgate) / Exodus 34:6–7 language about God's mercy toward thousands who love his name. Candidate allusion preserved for later resolution.

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