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← Pseudo-Augustine Soliloquia animae ad Deum (Meditations of the Soul to God)/Book 1 · Soliloquia animae ad Deum
Chapter 1PsAug.1.1

Aspiratio ad cognitionem et amorem Dei. Visionis Dei desiderium. Amoris Dei defectus causae. Hominis a Deo discrepantiae.

The Soul's First Cry to God

The soul opens with an urgent prayer to know, see, love, and possess God as its total good, culminating in a Psalm citation of love for the Lord.

May I know you, Lord, the one who knows me; may I come to know you, the strength of my soul. Show yourself to me, my comforter; let me see you, the light of my eyes. Come, joy of my spirit; let me see you, gladness of my heart; let me love you, life of my soul. Appear to me — my great delight, my sweet comfort, Lord my God, the life and the whole glory of my soul. Let me find you, the longing of my heart; let me hold you, the love of my soul. Let me embrace you, heavenly bridegroom, my highest joy within and without. Let me possess you, everlasting blessedness; let me possess you in the depths of my heart — blessed life, the highest sweetness of my soul. I will love you, Lord, my strength; the Lord is my stronghold, and my refuge, and my deliverer. (Psalm …)

God's Mighty Voice and the Soul's Ears

The soul prays for God to thunder from on high, citing Hebrews on the Word sharper than any sword and Psalms on the sea and earth trembling, that it may hear His voice.

Psalm 17:2–3.✦ Let me love you, my God, my helper, my tower of strength, and my sweet hope in every trial I face. I will embrace you, my Good, without whom nothing is good; I will delight in you, my Best, without whom nothing is best. Open the innermost chambers of my ears, O Word sharper than any two-edged sword (Hebrews✦ 4:12), so that I may hear your voice.✦ Thunder, Lord, from on high with a great and mighty voice. Let the sea thunder and all its fullness; let the earth and everything in it be shaken (Psalm✦ 95:11–12).✦

New Eyes, New Senses for the Invisible God

The soul asks for spiritual sight, smell, and taste to be renewed so that it may behold God's light, run after His fragrance, and savor His hidden sweetness.

Lighten my eyes, O Light beyond all understanding—flash your lightning and scatter them (Ps.✦ 143:6) so that they may not see vanity.✦ Hurl your thunderbolts, multiply them, and throw them into confusion, so that springs of water may appear and the foundations of the world may be revealed (Ps. 17:16). Grant me sight, O Light no eye can see, that I may behold you. Create in me a new sense of smell, O Fragrance of life, that I may run after you into the fragrance of your perfumes (Song✦ 1:3).✦ Heal my taste, that I may savor and know and discern how great is the abundance of your sweetness, O Lord, which you have hidden from those who are full of your love (Ps.

A Heart, Soul, and Mind Entirely for God

The soul asks for every interior faculty—heart, soul, mind, intellect, reason—to be given wholly to God in wise and clinging love.

(XXX, 20). Give me a heart to think of you, a soul to love you, a mind to remember you, an intellect to understand you, a reason that clings to you always — O highest sweetness — with all its strength; and let wise love, a love that is wise, hold fast to you.

Where Are You Hidden, O Life?

The soul addresses Christ as Life itself, then cries out in longing—asking where He is, why He hides His face, and when His glory will appear.

O Life, for whom all things live; Life, who give me life; Life, who are my life; Life, through whom I live, without whom I die; Life, through whom I'm raised up, without whom I perish; Life, through whom I rejoice, without whom I'm troubled: Life that gives life, sweet and lovely, and always to be remembered. Where, I ask, are you? Where may I find you, so that I may fail in myself and stand firm in you? Be near to me in my soul, near in my heart, near in my mouth, near in your help: because I'm faint with love, because without you I die, because remembering you I'm raised up.1 Your fragrance refreshes me, your memory heals me: but I'll be satisfied when your glory has appeared, O Life of my soul. My soul desires and fails from longing for your memory: when shall I come and appear before you, my joy?2 Why do you turn your face away, my joy through whom I rejoice? Where are you hidden, beautiful one whom I desire?

Let Me Die So That I May See You

The soul experiences God's fragrance without sight, hears His voice yet finds His face hidden, and resolves that death is the gateway to seeing Him, citing Exodus 33:20 and Philippians 1:23.

I draw in your fragrance; I live and rejoice — yet I do not see you. I hear your voice, and I come back to life. But why do you hide your face?✦ Perhaps you say, 'No one shall see me and live' (Exod.✦ XXXIII, 20). Ah, Lord — let me die so that I may see you; let me see you so that here I may die. I do not want to live; I want to die. I long to be set free and to be with Christ (Phil.✦ I, 23).

Receive My Spirit, My Life, My Joy

The soul longs to die and be with Christ, commends its spirit to Jesus, and addresses Christ through a cascade of sensory titles—head, light, song, fragrance, Word—asking Him to enter the soul as joy, sweetness, and light.

I long to die so that I may see Christ; I refuse to live so that I may live with Christ.✦ O Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.✦✦ My life, take up my soul. My joy, draw my heart to yourself; my sweet food, let me feed on you.3 My head, guide me; light of my eyes, illuminate me; my song, tune me; my fragrance, give me life; Word of God, renew me.✦4 My praise, gladden the soul of your servant. Enter her, true joy, so that she may rejoice in you; enter her, supreme sweetness, so that she may taste what is sweet; eternal light, shine upon her, so that she may understand you, know you, and love you.56

The Light That Shines in Darkness

The soul reflects that failure to love God stems from failure to know Him, prays for divine illumination over the darkness of the mind, and laments that its heart has been squandered on empty things instead of on God alone.

This is why the one who does not love you, Lord, does not love you — because he does not know you; and he does not know you because he does not understand; and he does not understand because he does not grasp your light. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it (John 1:5).✦ John 1:5.✦ O light of the mind, O shining truth, O true brightness, who illuminates every person coming into this world — coming, yes, but not loving; for whoever loves the world is made an enemy of God (James 4:4) — drive the darkness away from the face of the depths of my mind, so that it may see you by understanding, know you by grasping, and love you by knowing.✦✦ For whoever knows you, loves you; forgets himself, loves you more than himself; leaves himself behind, and comes to you, so that he may rejoice in you. This is why, Lord, I do not love you as much as I ought — because I do not fully know you. But because I know too little, I love too little; and because I love too little, I rejoice too little in you. And drifting away from you — from true interior joy — through outward things, while I lack you alone, I go searching for false friendships in those outward things. And so, wretched heart of mine — the heart that I owed to you alone, to be spent on you with all my love and all my devotion — I gave it to empty things. And I have become empty myself, because I loved what is empty.

Read the original Latin

Agnoscam te, Domine cognitor meus; cognoscam te, virtus animae meae. Ostende te mihi, consolator meus; videam te, lumen oculorum meorum. Veni, gaudium spiritus mei; videam te, laetitia cordis mei; diligam te, vita animae meae. Appare mihi; delectatio mea magna, solatium meum dulce, Domine Deus meus, vita et gloria tota animae meae. Inveniam te, desiderium cordis mei; teneam te, amor animae meae. Amplectar te, sponse coelestis, exsultatio mea summa intus et extra. Possideam te, beatitudo sempiterna; possideam te in medio cordis mei, vita beata, dulcedo summa animae meae. Diligam te, Domine fortitudo mea; Dominus firmamentum meum et refugium meum, et liberator meus (Psal.

XVII, 2, 3). Amem te, Deus meus, adjutor meus, turris fortitudinis mihi, et spes mea dulcis in omni tribulatione mea. Amplectar te, bonum, sine quo nihil bonum: fruar te, optime, sine quo nihil optimum. Aperi penetralia aurium mearum, Verbum penetrabilius omni gladio ancipiti (Hebr. IV, 12), ut audiam vocem tuam. Intona, Domine, desuper voce grandi et forti. Tonet mare et plenitudo ejus, commoveatur terra et omnia quae in eis sunt (Psal. XCV, 11, 12).

Illustra oculos meos, lux incomprehensibilis, fulgura coruscationem, et dissipa eos (Psal. CXLIII, 6) ut non videant vanitatem. Fulmina multiplica, et conturba eos, ut appareant fontes aquarum et revelentur fundamenta orbis terrarum (Psal. XVII, 16). Tribue visum, lux invisibilis, qui te videat. Crea novum olfactum, odor vitae, qui post te currat in odorem unguentorum tuorum (Cant. I, 3). Gustum sana, qui sapiat, et cognoscat, et discernat quam magna multitudo dulcedinis tuae, Domine, quam abscondisti his qui pleni sunt charitatis tuae (Psal.

XXX, 20). Da cor quod te cogitet, animum qui te diligat, mentem quae te recolat, intellectum qui te intelligat, rationem quae tibi semper, summum dulce, fortiter adhaereat; te sapienter, amor sapiens, diligat.

O vita, cui omnia vivunt; vita, quae das mihi vitam; vita, quae es mea vita; vita, per quam vivo, sine qua morior; vita, per quam resuscitor, sine qua pereo; vita per quam gaudeo, sine qua tribulor: vita vitalis, dulcis et amabilis, semperque memorialis. Ubi, quaeso, es? ubi te inveniam, ut in me deficiam et in te subsistam? Prope esto mihi in animo, prope in corde, prope in ore, prope in auxilio: quia amore langueo, quia sine te morior, quia te recolens suscitor. Odor tuus me recreat, memoria tua me sanat: sed satiabor cum apparuerit gloria tua, vita animae meae. Concupiscit et deficit anima mea de memoria tua, quando veniam et apparebo tibi, laetitia mea? Quare faciem tuam avertis, gaudium per quod gaudeo? Ubi es absconditus, pulcher quem desidero?

Odorem tuum haurio; vivo et gaudeo: te autem non video. Vocem tuam audio, et revivisco. Sed cur faciem tuam abscondis? Forte dicis, Non videbit me homo, et vivet (Exod. XXXIII, 20). Eia, Domine, moriar ut te videam; videam, ut hic moriar. Nolo vivere, volo mori; dissolvi cupio, et esse cum Christo (Philipp. I, 23).

Mori desidero, ut videam Christum; vivere renuo, ut vivam cum Christo. O Domine Jesu, accipe spiritum meum. Vita mea, suscipe animam meam. Gaudium meum, attrahe cor meum; dulcis cibus meus, comedam te. Caput meum, dirige me: lumen oculorum meorum, illumina me: melos meum, tempera me: odor meus, vivifica me: verbum Dei, recrea me. Laus mea, laetifica animam servi tui. Intra in eam, verum gaudium, ut in te gaudeat: intra in eam, dulcedo summa, ut dulcia sapiat: lumen aeternum, illustra super eam, ut te intelligat, cognoscat et diligat.

Ob hoc enim non te diligit, Domine, si non diligit, quia non te cognoscit: et ideo non cognoscit, quia non intelligit: et idcirco non intelligit, quia lumen tuum non comprehendit: et lux in tenebris lucet, et tenebrae eam non comprehenderunt (Joan. I, 5). O lux mentis, o lucens veritas, o vera claritas, quae illuminas omnem hominem venientem in hunc mundum (venientem quidem, sed non diligentem; quia qui diligit mundum, inimicus Dei constituitur [Jacobi IV, 4], expelle tenebras desuper faciem abyssi mentis meae; ut videat te intelligendo, ut cognoscat te comprehendendo, ut diligat te cognoscendo. Quisquis enim cognoscit te, diligit te; obliviscitur se, amat te plus quam se; relinquit se, et venit ad te, ut gaudeat de te. Hinc est ergo, Domine, quod non tantum diligo quantum debeo, quia non plene cognosco te. Sed quia parum cognosco, parum diligo; et quia parum diligo, parum in te gaudeo; sed a te vero gaudio interiori per exteriora recedens, dum te solo careo, adulterinas amicitias in his exterioribus quaero. Et sic miser ego cor meum, quod tibi soli debui toto amore totoque affectu impendere, vanis dedi; et vanus effectus sum, dum vanitatem dilexi.

Scripture echoes

  1. ↩Ps.17.2-Ps.17.3 — “Let my vindication come from your presence; let your eyes see what is right.” Ps.17.3 — “You have tested my heart; you have examined me in the night; you have tried me and found nothing wrong. I have resolved that my mouth will not transgress.”
  2. ↩Heb.4.12 — For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, of joints and marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.
  3. ↩Heb.4.12 — For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, of joints and marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.
  4. ↩Ps.95.11-Ps.95.12;Ps.97.11-Ps.97.12 — Therefore I swore in my anger, 'They shall not enter my rest.' Ps.97.11 — Light is sown for the righteous, and for the upright in heart, gladness. Ps.97.12 — Rejoice in the LORD, O righteous ones, and give thanks at the remembrance of his holiness.
  5. ↩Ps.95.11-Ps.95.12 — Therefore I swore in my anger, 'They shall not enter my rest.'
  6. ↩Ps.143.6 — I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a weary land. Selah.
  7. ↩Ps.143.6 — I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a weary land. Selah.
  8. ↩Song.1.3 — The fragrance of your oils is good; your name is poured oil; therefore young women love you.
  9. ↩Song.1.3 — The fragrance of your oils is good; your name is poured oil; therefore young women love you.
  10. ↩Ps.10.1;Ps.13.1;Ps.44.24 — Why, O LORD, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble? Ps.13.1 — To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David. Ps.44.24 — Awake! Why do you sleep, O Lord? Rise up! Do not cast us off forever.
  11. ↩Exod.33.20 — And he said, 'You cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live.'
  12. ↩Phil.1.23 — But I am hard-pressed between the two, having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for it is far better;
  13. ↩Phil.1.23 — But I am hard-pressed between the two, having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for it is far better;
  14. ↩Acts.7.59 — And they were stoning Stephen, who was calling upon the name of the Lord, saying, "Lord Jesus, receive my spirit."
  15. ↩Luke.23.46 — And Jesus, crying out with a loud voice, said, "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit." Having said this, he breathed his last.
  16. ↩Ps.139.10 — Even there your hand will guide me, and your right hand will hold me fast.
  17. ↩John.1.5 — And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it.
  18. ↩John.1.5 — And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it.
  19. ↩John.1.9 — The true light, which gives light to everyone, was coming into the world.
  20. ↩Jas.4.4 — Adulteresses, do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity toward God? Whoever therefore chooses to be a friend of the world is constituted an enemy of God.

Notes

  1. 1 ↩langueo rendered as 'am faint' captures the sense of languishing from love-longing; could also be 'am weak' or 'am sick.'
  2. 2 ↩de memoria tua rendered as 'from longing for your memory' to capture the sense of desire springing from remembrance; could also be 'because of your memory.'
  3. 3 ↩comedam is ambiguous between future indicative ('I will eat') and present subjunctive ('let me eat / may I eat'). The subjunctive reading fits the prayerful imperative context of the surrounding vocatives.
  4. 4 ↩melos is a Greek loanword (μέλος) meaning 'song, melody, limb.' Here it functions as a vocative of address, rendered as 'song' to preserve the musical metaphor alongside 'tune me.'
  5. 5 ↩eam refers to the soul (animam) from the preceding sentence, carried forward as the object of address. All three ut clauses are rendered as purpose ('so that'), which best fits the prayerful imperative context.
  6. 6 ↩sapio carries both 'taste' and 'be wise' senses; 'taste' is chosen to preserve the sensory metaphor alongside sweetness.

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